I just wrote a fluffy blog post because for the most part I've been in a good mood today. Just random and focused a lot on my chart and 'symptoms' - in a light mood.

But there was something today and I don't want to make a big deal out of it (anywhere) and I don't want to hear about how hard it must be and how that sucks and how sorry people are. I just want the people who get that instant understanding to sit with me and nod their heads for awhile, I think.

I was having a meeting today with someone we're training. Normally I'd go to her dept, but she was supposed to meet with a colleague after me, so coming here was easier. We ran into a block, so I went to get help from my boss, and lo and behold there was a visitor with a baby. Someone who worked here before my time, just saying hi - so several people were wrapped in them.

They called us out to watch and the person I was training interacted with them and compared notes (the baby was a girl about 9 months old, standing and trying to take wobbly supported steps; the trainee has a 1 year old boy). Can you guess where this goes?

Yeah, we've all been there. It wasn't jealousy, or even a totally grabbing thing. She was an older baby, and a girl. She was very cute and giggled and flirted. Maybe if I hadn't just gotten an email about volunteering with the March for Babies (I haven't decided if I want to participate in honor of Gabe or not), maybe if there weren't the lingering sadness from yesterday, it would have just been delightful. But as it was, they were cooing with the baby and talking about her walking and I just teared up. I hid it. I blinked it back and I swallowed the lump in my throat and after a few minutes we tore my boss away and continued with our meeting.

But I still feel a little sad and a little hollow. Still in a good mood for the day. Grateful for the lovely day outside. But feeling the hole in my heart more keenly than usual.

Eliza: Something similar happened to me yesterday. I had a dentist appointment and the dental assistant was 20 weeks pregnant (I was 21 when we lost our baby). She even had an ultrasound picture in her work space. She knows that I have two girls and asked: "So, do you think you're going to try for a boy?" (The baby we lost was a much wanted girl). I just responded that I didn't think we'd have any more children. Of course, I didn't tell her what happened to us. I didn't want to upset or scare her.

As sad as I was, I also felt calm. I was actually happy for her and found myself just hoping that her baby arrives, safe and sound. It was hard, but it also made me think that maybe, just maybe I am moving forward in this process.

These moments of seeing babies and/or pregnant women can be so emotionally charged. I think that your experience of seeing the good in the day, despite the difficulty of seeing a baby, shows that you are working through a different level of the process, too.

(My pregnancy mentioned, please skip if it feels wrong)

I'm nodding my head with you. Even as I'm pregnant, I'm nodding my head with you.

I think, because of my pregnancy, that people tend to be less 'tip-toey' around the fact that pregnancy and babies are hard for me to process right now. I know that sounds so contradictory...but sometimes I can't even look in the mirror at my own belly.

I'm on a due date message board, and I've just had to check out most of the time despite the MASSIVE outpouring of support they have shown me (they all put a graphic that says "remembering Baby Will in their siggies). They're just being normal pregnant women....talking about backackes and baby showers and nurseries and such. I feel like I'm just this black sheep with them.

I want to say: You all act as if your babies are going to be ok...but you never know....you never know when they could be ripped away from you! And it's hard, when they ask about 'birth plans' to discuss the fact that our birth plan with include how Will's body is handled and what blanket he gets wrapped in for cremation.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make this about myself. It's just that I understand not wanting to say those things, really anywhere.

Don't worry, Eve. Relating things back to yourself is how most of us process and share.

I pretty much checked out of my old board. One, because some of my old friends are around there and that is awk.ward. and two, well. It's not me. I took a break after the first miscarriage and again after the ectopic (this was primarily a general board, but I hung out on the specialty/trimester boards too). I started hanging with the IF crowd, even though I didn't quite fit (they were most welcoming) because I was beyond and over newb charting questions and excited expectations (which doesn't mean I hate answering charting questions - I actually enjoy it. Just not.all.damn.day.long. repeatedly.) I felt too world weary.

And now. Well, hell. I drop by now and again to see how people are doing, and everyone is most welcoming and kind and I know quite a few follow my blog and such, but I can't do it. There was actually a small group that lost babies within a month or so of each other and they are great support for each other, but I just feel so outside of that. And constantly surrounding myself with happy pregnancies and tickers and such. . . nope.

I miss it, but I don't. I know I will probably take it up again to an extent when I get pregnant again, but I also know that I would do better to find a place where people have had similar losses because they understand me better. You don't have to walk on the eggshells of shattering someone's illusions about pregnancy, you don't have to be a cautionary tale or a horror story (thanks for those words wherever you are, Elizabeth McCracken). That sounds like a better place for me. But they are few and far between, I fear (and I have grammar standards).

Most of the time, I'm fine around babies and kids (though if I'm asked to hold one, I freeze. The lone exception seems to be my friend A's son. But she baby wears a lot, so it's not an issue). Today just hit a little harder.

In related news? The friend I'm avoiding? Having a boy. Thank GOD I didn't go to their little reveal party. I'd have lost it. I think she's just sort of the focus for my negative-pregnancy thoughts.

And because the pity part I'm throwing for myself is wicked awesome, and I just don't want it to end, I'm all het up because someone gave me a blog award.

That's a nice thing. Really. I appreciate that people read my blog and don't think it sucks. I appreciate them letting me know. I appreciate the little ego boost. I don't really do much by way of the blogging community interactions, so it's always a little surprise.

But when I got the notice, I read the lovely things this person said about my blog, she also mentioned how she found it. And how she found it was via the blog of one of the people who was in That Group. You know. The one I've ranted about quite a bit. And it's really hard, because honestly, I think her cutting me off the way she did was probably one of the more painful ones. I had thought we were very close, but it didn't hold up. And just seeing her name and her blog mentioned (I haven't visited there in ages, because it hurt too much) made my chest tighten and my eyes prickle.

How can I still feel so conflicted about this? I still feel so much guilt, like there was something I did. I even feel afraid one or another of them might have visited here and have seen what I've said about the whole mess. And while I try to be unbiased or at least fair about it all, I know I've said things in anger that would probably just piss them off. And I feel guilty about it.

I hate that I still miss them, I hate that I haven't had the courage to erase their names from my phonebook, that I still have the urge to contact them. I hate how angry and impotent I feel. I hate that I still think I was in the wrong half the time, when my logical self (and my therapist) point out all the flaws in that thinking.

I hate that it makes me feel so bad and that I can't seem to stop it. I hate the hurt look my husband gets on his face when he knows I'm beating myself up over the whole mess. I hate that I never got the courage to put it out there on the blog, where I'm supposedly so honest and forthright about how I'm feeling. I didn't because I knew a couple of them were still reading it. And they'd already misread and twisted my words and said I was being passive aggressive, complaining about them on my blog instead of being honest with them. And I think it was the right decision, certainly for my sanity, but I hate the cowardice involved in it. Even now I'm wishing I hadn't been so bold here, lest they find it and hate me more.

It's a horrible, choking sort of feeling I have right now. It'll pass, as it does, but I am feeling it acutely.

You not posting these feelings on your blog was WISE, my friend. Drama would've ensued and poisoned your blog forever. I'm all about assertiveness, but there is a time to assert and time to hold your tongue because the consequences are just too harsh. Who would be so dim to smack a lion in the face?

I can't imagine these people hating you...it just seems so unfair. But what a loss for them...to refuse to learn from someone who could teach them so much. I don't know you personally, but know enough from your insightful and compassionate postings here that you are someone not only worthy of knowig, but someone who deserves insight and compassion in return.

I had a good day today friend-wise...I had two outings in a row (which is practically like Christmas for me) with friends I know well and new friendship that is developing in the midst of all this mess. And it occured to me how happy I was to be forming this new friendship and not clinging to one where my friend just seems so emotionally absent. I don't wish this old friend ill-will, but for me and my own well-being, I need to let her come to me. I've reached out enough. I'm so sad for her that she is dealing with infertility, but I did not create that infertility. I know I have empathy and experience to offer her...but I ask for empathy in return. To continue to try to milk a stone is so pointless.

I'm glad you got a blog award. I'm TERRIBLE at following up with those things and am currently the worst reciprocal blogger ever. I need to be more supportive for those supporting me, but I find myself only viisting the babylost commenters right now.

I'm rambling. If any of these people would somehow stumble down a random path to find you here, well it's their own just desserts to hear what you might say. I can censor myself on my blog...but this site has become my one and only respit to be TRULY open up about everything in my world since losing Will.

And I'll be damned that the lack of spellcheck and this small box continually prove me to be poor typist and speller. But I hope you'll forgive me anyway, as my heart for grammar is in the right place.

They probably don't hate me. That's unfair and harsh.

I do believe most of what happened was out of love and concern for me.

It just wasn't enough.

Things are a little better today. I feel so schizophrenic. Half of me feels calm and relaxed and happy even. The other half is on a rollercoaster ride of sadness and loss this week. It'll come out in the wash, I suppose.

Thanks all for letting me get it out. Much better and less poisonous out than in.

I understand the dueling realities of complete mental awfulness juxtaposed next to 'calm and possibly happy'. I find I have no predictability to these extremes...and my poor husband must be so terribly confused by me much of the time. I know I am.