I found out today that my former sister in law's sister had her third child. (My brother in law is now divorced from former sister in law). This woman is one of those people who didn't even know she was pregnant when she was carrying her first child. She smoked, drank, etc. and then finally "realized" she was pregnant around the 7th month. When she was pregnant with the second, she sobbed when she found out she was having another girl. Through all of her pregnancies, she smoked. She didn't even try to conceal it during the first few months because she reasoned that "nobody could tell she was pregnant." Once she got past the first few months, she claimed that the doctors told her it would be worse for the baby to stop smoking. And, of course, she continues to smoke like a chimney around her kids once they are born.

So, this woman manages to have 3 healthy children. I am grateful that these children are healthy-- I wouldn't wish anything less on anyone. But WHY, WHY is my baby gone???? I did everything to make sure my baby would be healthy. I fretted over everything I put in or on or around my body. And my baby is gone.

File this under "UNFAIR." I just can't get over the injustice of it all.

God, I feel like such a terrible person for posting this. Who am I to say that this is unfair? I guess I just feel like this woman doesn't appreciate what she has. If she did, she would've taken more care during her pregnancies. She would've had more regard for the fragility of life. She would've loved her second daughter unconditionally, instead of weeping over her "misfortune" of having yet another girl. ("Luckily" for her, her third child was a boy).

I hope nobody thinks I am a terrible person for posting this. I just feel like I tried so hard to do everything right and, in the end, none of it mattered.

I don't think you are a terrible person.
I will never judge you.
It really, really, hurts to see other people who make choices I do not value have healthy children that live. In fact, there should be a new word for unfair.
Sorry that it is so hard.
Diana

You are not a terrible person for feeling this way AT ALL! I've heard a couple news stories of people murdering their children since losing Will...and I just can't make sense of it. I also struggled with this feeling A LOT with all my infertility. I spent one entire summer so agnry that Britney Spears got pregnant and was going to be a mom when I couldn't. Freakin' Britney Spears!

Motherhood is not doled out on fairness. So many mothers do no appreciate their children or even WANT their children (except when it's convenient to them). Conversely, there are so many women who desire to have children and cannot or who lose their children. It is unjust and crappy and UNFAIR.

Those mothers, though, will never ever understand the depth of love those of us who have struggled know with our own children...and I know I'm a better mother for the struggle.

It's a small consolation, but it's very true.

I constantly have those same feelings. It's totally unfair and I struggle with the bitterness I feel towards moms like that on a regular basis. You're definitely not alone in feeling this way.

Haven't we all felt that way at some point? Hell, I felt that way long before I lost my first pregnancy. (but, er, I'm sort of judgey that way. Working on it!)

It's even worse when you have lost your precious child. Because, well, we tend to be raised with a sense of fair play and the idea that if you work hard enough and do well, things will work out for you.

I mean, we know objectively the world is unfair. Because many rich people did nothing to earn their money and they waste it frivolously while there are good, kind poor people struggling to get by and sharing what they have. And athletes make tons of money because they can kick or throw a ball and teachers get shit pay and are handcuffed in their classroom by standardized testing and too many kids. And the government we elect is more interested in pork that responsibility.

But it rarely hits us so directly and so harshly as it relates to pregnancy. Probably because it is such a personal, physical and emotional thing. And you do think - am I not good enough then? Am I bad person then? Was it the soft cheese? Should I not have had that sip of beer? Or whatever, because by God, you were responsible and you loved your child and tried hard to do what is right and these people who apparently don't love their children and actively harm them are able to create them and carry them and deliver them with such ease and it's so sickening. Because, well, shouldn't something as important as children BE fair? Shouldn't it be a meritocracy? Because, well, they are children and should be loved and raised well and . . . it still doesn't work that way.

And it sucks.

And then, because you essentially ARE a good person, you feel tremendous guilt for being judgey and thinking badly of other people and so on around and around (or is that just me)?

So, not alone. I do try to remember that having kids can change a person sometimes. And that simply because I don't see the struggle or because they have what I want doesn't mean they didn't struggle or don't have the troubles too. I'm sure my awesome marriage seems like this to someone else, and I'm sure it seems I don't appreciate what I have in my husband or mistreat him. But it's not necessarily true.

However, those noble, logical thoughts are only on days not subsumed in bitterness, so you know - not all the time. And even then, the flash of that feeling is there, in spades.

Thank you, all of you, for making me not feel like a completely nasty monster. I hate having these thoughts about people. I hate feeling like I resent anyone for what they have... but I just can't help it right now.

I think you are right about everything you say about fairness. The truth is-- life isn't fair. "When Bad things Happen to Good People" wasn't written for no reason.

My mother and sister and I just had a discussion yesterday evening about certain people we know having easy, uneventful pregnancies and probably all got this feeling. You're not alone out there.

I just got home after visiting one of my friends. Who is 19 weeks pregnant. Who didn't give up her three daily cups of tea (TEA, for chrissakes; not exactly poison, but after reading this http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/low/health/7195500.stm on the BBC news website I avoided caffeine entirely - YMMV obviously; I don't usually judge people for whether they drink caffeine while pregnant, and especially not anyone who lives here). Who was just reassuring me that I looked after myself and had nothing to feel guilty about over the loss of my baby.

But I still resent that I gave up caffeine for the first 12 weeks and lost my baby, and she has kept drinking tea and hers is OK.

I am aware how ridiculous and unfair this is. So yeah, I can relate.

Let's not even mention (oh go on then) my friend's gf, who has just had her sixth baby five months ago. No miscarriages*. One termination, so seven pregnancies with a success rate of 100%. She's drank and smoked through Every. Single. One. And drank heavily, not just an occasional glass of something.

It's not fair.

I feel sorry for her, actually. She doesn't have a happy life, and only two of the kids are still with her. but I still resent her massively. Because her baby is beautiful and healthy and ALIVE. and mine is ashes on the other side of town.

I feel like a bitch for all this. I don't like resenting people like this. But, hell. What else can I do?

* she's probably had miscarriages; she isn't known for keeping track of these things, but she's never been aware of having one.

I understand so well. It's kind of how I knew I wasn't ready to be out in public when I yelled down the aisle of a clothing store for a woman to pick up her baby. It was crying in its bucket and she kept on walking, not even talking or stopping. I lost it. I am the most jusdgemental mom in all the world right now. Even my best friend whom I love with all my heart, has arranged meal trains for us BUT, who has a healthy wonderful 7 month-old and never got prenatal care or took vitamins or all the other crap I did, is a target for my scorn. I hate being this person, but IT IS SO UNFAIR!

SCM - have you read that book? I'm reading it now and it's actually making so much sense. I didn't think I would get that much out of it because I'm not really that religious and not even sure if I believe in God. So I don't feel let down by "Him" so to speak. But the book still makes a great arguement for chaos and how random our universe really is. Looking at the big picture helps me. I can't think in terms of fairness if it really has nothing to do with me. So I'll keep telling myself that...

I can relate to the feeling of "unfairness" entirely too well. It is unfair. Period. Nothing else to say about it. But what do we do? What can we do? Nothing. It sucks and it hurts, but we have no choice in any of it.

During my first pregnancy I did everything right and then everything right on top of that. I ate vegetarian except for two servings of fish twice a week for the omega 3s. I stayed away from junk food. I used all natural non toxic cleaning products. I drank plenty of water. Took my vitamins. Went to all prenatal appointments and called several times in between them. I cherished every bout of morning sickness I had because it told me that my baby was growing and developing. I never complained about anything. I talked to my baby with words of love everyday. And then at 16 weeks I lost the baby. Me, who planned a natural medication free childbirth with the loving support of a doula and midwife. Me, who had this awesome great respect for the miracle of life. Months later during my deepest depression I almost couldn't bear to face the world because all I saw were pregnant women, newborns, and mothers who I knew didn't deserve their babies anymore than I deserved mine.

After experiencing a second loss, I know more than ever that life is not always fair. I'm struggling to find a way to live in a world where such unfairness exists. The only thing that helps me at times is the knowledge that it was nothing I did, nothing I deserved, and that sometimes bad things just happen to good people.