Not baby related really. I'm just frustrated being in the 2ww and unable to concentrate well, wondering. One minute I'm convinced we've done it again (and subsequently terrified) and the next I'm convinced this cycle will be a bust (and subsequently bummed out). Things at work are feverish and I'm running around and around. Because of budget issues, a lot is going on and there are no clear answers yet and everyone's in a right state over things.

I'm just tired. And sad. It's a background most of the time now, but I miss Gabriel. Today I really wish I could hold him again. And with everything else. . . it's just sort of lonely, I guess.

Eliza, now I wish I could hug YOU. I know this feeling, it seems to penetrate my feelings at least ten to a thousand times a day, and it's crushing and lonely.

Being in the waiting period for testing is also torture, I was one of those people who just let myself test every single day (wisting internet cheapie tests AND the expensive ones) because it gave me something to hope for, but it is a vicious time -- all the waiting and wanting seems to take over.

We are waiting with you, hoping and praying for you, and missing Gabriel too. I'm sorry today sucks, I wish I could make everything better. My love to you...

I'm sorry you're having a down day. I just had a slew of them, though today is better. I think the unpredicatability of good days vs. bad days gets me. I never know what it's going ot be until it just 'is'. The 2 ww is torturous. I have not TTC in the shadow of babyloss, so I can only imagine how hard and paradoxically terrifying and compelling this must be for you. Dealing with 8 years of infertility though, I can tell you that I came to hate the 2ww more than anything else. I was a 'non-tester' and preferred just to let AF ruin my day vs. even 'wasting' my money on HPTs. Hoping the day gets somewhat easier for you are work winds down and wishing you lots of distractions right now away from this dreaded wait. Many hugs.

Thanks. I think I'm more tired than anything. That never helps my mood. I'm sleeping better now that I'm fully back on a medication - they had me weaning from Pristiq in preparation for Zoloft and it was miserable (and apparently unnecessary). I'm feeling a lot more balanced after several days in a row.

Interestingly (to me), as I was looking up side effects to Zoloft (more on that in a moment) I found my doc put me on the starting dosage for PTSD rather than depression. It's true that I am far more concerned about anxiety and coping with the next pregnancy than depression.

So, yeah, I'm just kicking back, staring at my chart (because it has SO much to tell me since the last time I updated it) and wondering if the nausea is pregnancy related (I know it's too early - but it's happened 3 out of 4 times, starting at 5/6 dpo. Seriously.) or Zoloft related (nowhere near as bad as starting or stopping Pristiq). Because it matters and is obviously in my control and all.

The mood swings are so much better than last week, but irritating me anyway. I just want an answer.

Or more honestly, I want my child.

"Or more honestly, I want my child. "

and isnt that the crux of it? it's so cruel how the one thing we all want so badly is the one thing we will never have back.
Love to you...

Big hugs Eliza. I hope 2WW brings good news to you soon.

"Or more honestly, I want my child. "

I'm always coming back to this. When people are trying to help me, they say 'what do you want to hear' or 'what do you want me to do - I'll do whatever it is'. And all I can think is 'I want Matilda back'. My birthday is coming up and DH asked what I wanted and I sat and thought and all I could think of was that. I couldn't say that to him though because I knew that would just make him hurt more.