I just needed to share today what an F-ed up mess of a person I've become. A friend of mine who lost her baby last year at 20 weeks just gave birth to a healthy baby girl, and I have the nerve to be JEALOUS. I'm happy for her on one hand, and on the other hand I'm just jealous that she's already at the happy part again, and I'm stuck in grief-town lying prone on the sidewalk while people walk on my face.

I also had a play-date today with a new friend and I couldnt help myself but spill my entire horrific graphic story of Henry's death -- she just kept saying "Oh my Gosh" and "Oh My" -- I'm pretty sure I scared the crap out of her. I talked about Henry alot, I just couldn't stop myself, I wanted to feel that I could include him in normal conversation, but I think it made her uncomfortable.

Anyway, thanks for letting me release all of this nonsense. I think I just feel like such a profoundly different person now than I used to be, it surprises me sometimes what my true emotions are. I never thought I could feel this bitter, or this jealous of happy pregnant people or people with healthy infants who dont have horrific life-altering birth stories. I just feel like a freak, like all the normal has just seeped out of my life.

Anyone else feel out of place in their own lives?

Oh, honey. You aren't a mess, you're grieving. Be gentle with yourself. You understand that how you feel is not a reflection of logic or choice. Let it blow through you and be done with it. Attaching value (positive or negative) and beating yourself isn't good for you.

You may have made her uncomfortable, and if it really is bothering you, maybe send her an email and just say that it was such a relief to talk about happened and hear your son's name that you just couldn't stop and thank her for listening to you and for her compassion. Let her know just how good for you it was to spill that out to someone.

Bless your heart, I just want to give you a hug.

And yes, I definitely feel out of place sometimes. All these things I thought I knew or believed and they are so unimportant or not applicable anymore. I used to think I wanted to work with pregnant women, pregnancy was such a favorite topic of mine. It's all different now.

You are not alone in feeling the way you do. I've had moments of literal hatred towards people I've known who've given birth since my loss. I felt disgusted with myself at the time, totally cognizant that my thoughts were terrible, but I couldn't help how I felt. We've been robbed of the most cherished thing in our lives-- our child. How can we not be angry and jealous? This feeling will pass, though. And it is totally normal.

What occurred to me when I read your post is that you've been through a horrible trauma. I lost my baby at 21 weeks. I was bleeding for a few weeks prior so there were definite indications that things could go seriously wrong. Even given the warning that we had, I still feel totally traumatized by the experience. You were at the point where you were due to give birth and, in a matter of moments, everything went horribly wrong. You were totally blindsided. On top of all of that, you have to live with the fact that, had your midwife made different decisions, the outcome could have been different. So, you have not only experienced the worse loss imaginable, but you had to experience it under particularly traumatic circumstances. That trauma is only going to compound your suffering.

Realize that what you are feeling is totally normal. Truly, it is part of the grieving process (this is what the grief counselor I am seeing told me-- not just my own opinion!). As Eliza said, let it blow through you.

I'm nodding in agreement with the other ladies here. I can understand your jealousy at someone despite their pain. I found myself feeling that way today as my best friend held her newborn baby boy, despite knowing the fact that she's still morning her 6 year old son.

It is so terribly unfair and awful what happened to you and Henry. I absolutely agree with SCM, you are traumatized. I was thinking the other day how very 'non-traumatic' my loss wtih Will has been. Of course, traumatic in the fact he died...but I haven't had to endure the haunting stories of such trauma surrounding his birth. My heart just aches for you.

How could you not feel like a different person and out of place after the loss and trauma you've suffered? I know I feel like I don't 'fit' in my life let alone my own skin right now. I think I remember you saying that you talk to a therapist treating you for PTSD? There is a treatment that's extremely effective for PTSD that sounds kind of 'weird' (has to do with your eye movements), but can be very helpful in decreaisng flashbacks and some of the other 'intrusive' symptoms of serious trauma. Email me if you are interested in learning more about it (though I'm no expert).

I wish I could soothe your hurt in give you some peace. Your love for Henry is ever-apparent in your posts.

Thank you mamas, it's incredible what validation can do for your mood! And Eve I'm not seeing a therapist, though I should be, but we just cant swing it right now with all of the pregnancy expenses, I literally just got a bill for $700 for a pee test analysis -- that came back normal incidentally. We tried to find a grief counselor who did low cost or sliding scale after Henry died but the closest is Portland as far as we can tell, and that is almost 3 hours away. We really do live in the middle of nowhere and are unfortunately lost in a middle class financial dead zone as far as state aid is concerned.

But you are right about the PTSD, I'm definitely debilitated by flash-backs and I have anxiety attacks related to people and places -- something that was never ever a part of my life before Henry's death. I never imagined that seeing a single person (my midwife or her daughters) even from afar could put me into a biological panic and emotional tail-spin. I'm sure I need to be medicated at this point but I'm just to scared of the risks. I've promised myself that if I start to feel like hurting myself or anyone else then I will just do it, damn the costs.

Thank you ladies for letting me know I'm not crazy, just "crazy" with grief, and that's different. It always buoys me to speak with all of you.

A note on meds - not that I'm urging you onto them, just hoping to ease your concern a wee bit. Zoloft is approved as safe for pregnancy (all stages of pregnancy) and breastfeeding. There are a few risks, but they are tiny and generally easily treated. Zoloft treats depression, anxiety, OCD and PTSD - so it may be a good fit for you. But also, it has a generic (sertraline) out there, so you can probably get the generic for a low cost if you later decide that you need some help getting through.

It won't treat the root of the problem (I have a vague understanding - Gabe's birth was traumatic, but nowhere near as traumatic as Henry's), but it can help ease the everyday stuff. For me, that made me better able to cope with the bigger stuff, if that makes sense.

Again, not trying to pill push - you'll know if you need it and can get it when/if you do - just help a little maybe.

Hugs. Definitely not crazy.

Mindy, I'm so very, VERY sad for you for all the medical bill issues you have. That just makes it so much worse. The treatment I'm talkling about is called "EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy"...http://www.helpguide.org/mental/pdf/emdr.pdf. Like I said, sounds way out there....but there is clinical evidence that this is by far the best treatment for the invasive symptoms of PTSD. I am not trained in it myself, but often refer my traditional 'talk therapy' patients if they are having severe PTSD symptoms since traditonal 'talk' therapy will not help these specific symptoms (this is b/c trauma actually rewires your neural pathways).

Did you file a police report against your care provider? I ask b/c there is crime victims' compensation availabe in most states. Also, most states funnel money into 'community mental health' centers which seek to reach people who are not insured or underinsured. The qualities of these programs vary greatly...though often there is a special 'sexual assualt' division or therapist who is most likley best qualified to help you with the trauma portion of your experience. Gosh, I WISH I could find you the perfect resource where you could at least meet with someone free of charge.

Thinking of you.

I keep feeling like a completely different person. It make me sad to look at our wedding photos (we're coming up to our one year anniversary) because I just look at them and think 'who is that girl' because she seems worlds away from the person I am now.

I know that Matilda's death will affect me forever but I wonder if my personality has permanently changed or if one day I'll be that girl in my wedding photos again?

I'm also jealous of a friend who's having a baby soon and she lost a baby at 15 weeks while I was pregnant with Matilda (we were due 1 week apart). She seems so far past this place I'm in - in a place I can't even imagine getting too somedays. I also find it really hard to have any emphathy for people who have 'traumatic birth stories' that ended with them taking their baby home. I know rationally it's possible but I just keep thinking it can't be 'traumatic' on the same scale that losing your baby is. And I wonder if I'll be this person forever?

Maddie x

The same girl? No. I don't think you'll ever be the same again.

The same person you are now? Again, no. I don't think you will be like this forever.

I think you'll be someone new. I think this changes you like any other major event does. It takes awhile before you settle out. I think if you are wondering whether you'll ever feel so hopeful and innocent again - the answer is yes. About some things. Not pregnancy, perhaps, but there will be other things. And you'll probably appreciate them more simply because of having tasted this bitterness.

Oh Mindy I too think this is normal. I feel this way too. It's like, they got their "happy ending" and where is mine? Or just the fact that you simply want your baby back, period. Any "happy ending" for us will always be shadowed with the death of our babies.

Your feelings are definantly the norm in this new EFFING club, that we did not ask to join, and we now have a lifetime membership to .

Paula

None of this is "nonsense." We're all sizzling on the sidewalk with you, friend.