I've been feeling so incredibly let down and cruddy...its like I can only see the people who haven't been there (or aren't there as much as I wish they were) instead of all the people who have been there for us in some way since Will died.

I decided to make a list from memory of all the people who have done something to reconginze Will's death from as simple as an email response to my initial mass email, to as big as sitting with me in the days after his loss as I cried. I came up with 75 separate names (and that doesn't count anyone in blogland or on my message boards)...and I realize a few I'd left off even as I type this. That's so much more than I expected, especially considering the 'word of mouth' of our loss as we haven't had a service and I've been stuck at home mostly since Will died.

I also made a list of those who we've heard nothing from or disappointed me greatly. I came up with 22 people (and most of them all I wanted was an email back saying they recognized our loss).

What perspective. I'm keeping this list and adding to it. I've got to get myself focusing on who has reached out to me, even for a brief time, and not on the small few who haven't.

In further news, I made an appnt with a counselor for myself next week at a center specializing in women's reproductive issues including PPD, infertiity and pregnancy loss. I hope I like this psychologist.

I'm goiing to look over this list again. It humbles me.

That sounds like a great idea Eve. I tend to focus on the things people say wrong rather than remembering everything they've done to help us.

One thing my counsellor suggested was starting a gratitude journal and writing in it before I go to bed so then at least I go to bed with positive thoughts in my head. I haven't started it yet but I keep meaning too - maybe I will try it.

I hope the counsellor is helpful for you and you get on with her.

Maddie x

Eve, I call it the "Score Card." I just can't help but keep an on-going tally of, mostly, the people who've ignored our loss or barely acknowledged it. I try to remind myself to focus on the positive-- the people who have been so kind and generous (many of whom have surprised me with their compassion)... but, most days, the people who have failed me are the ones that stick in my head, causing me anger and immense hurt. Maddie's gratitude journal sounds like a great suggestion. At least that puts the positive on paper. Maybe making it more tangible will help. In the meantime, look how long your "good" list is. That's a lot of people who love you. Do you best to focus on that.

I am really glad to hear that you are going to meet with a psychologist. Truly, you are in one of the most difficult positions a person can be in. You've been forced to confront the two extremes of life and death at the same time. How does one begin to navigate that? I am sure that the psychologist can help you figure that out.

Maddie, I think this list is sort of like a gratitude journel for me right now. Just seeing all the names and lists of kind gestures written out helps me to not to brush them aside just b/c some people have been absent from this support.

SCM, 'score card' is a good way to describe it. It sounds so petty to me that I can't seem to get past the absences....but I know I need to work on it or I'm just going to keep getting angrier with a few people and ignore all these other people who ARE there for me. Bah...you're right, I'm in the most emotionally conflicted place, and I also hope that just talking about it with a counselor will help...especially BEFORE the babies come. I think that it's a healthy thing for me to do. I would really like to have at least one session with my dh before the babies come, too...but I wanted to meet her myself first (and size her up, haha).