really, really hard to hold my head up, to be the better person, to accept baby news with grace and goodness....but.....seriously, people, I'm dealing with the birth of 4 babies in 2 weeks and all boys (girl babies don't bother me so much as boys do, prehaps because my twins were boys - duh, you think?) plus the announcment of 2 pregnancies. It's becoming more than I can take. Damn Facebook.

And part of me can accept some of the news because 2 of the babies were born very sick. Somehow that makes it easier to push down the feelings of pain and jealousy and loss and toughen myself so that I can make that "I'm here for you" phone call and then congratulate myself for doing so...I realize that it's not all about me but damn it, it's hard to hear such great news for people and be happy and not think, "it's never going to be me." It's hard to hear bad news and not be stricken with the grief and sadness of my own loss. I ache to be "normal" and fine, I understand this is my new "normal" but this is just exhausting.

How are you all dealing with this type of news and your own grief?

I'm so sorry that you have gotten hit with a spllurge of babydom news. I'm not on Facebook, and though I'm realizing that it may prevent me from getting support from friends at times, it is those very happy announcements that I'm trying to avoid. I really haven't had to deal with too much baby news, except for my best friend who had a baby boy 5 days after Will died. Our boys were to be best friends. She tries to be sensitive to me, but I found it REALLY hard the other day at bible study watching everyone fawn all over the baby.

I'm getting to be in a really angry place, and I know it's normal but it's very hard to tolerate. I just want to scream 'it's not fair!' in people's faces...and then of course I feel so horribly guilty for saying that, as I still carry Abby in me. Self-disgust is a good way to describe my feelings of late.


Back to you, though, Martha...it sounds like you're doing the best you can do right now. Of course it's going to hurt when people joyously announce their good news. You SHOULD have had that same experience and joy. I think you do what you can do for that day...and forgive yourself for the days that the best you can muster is to not knock blissfully happy parents' windows out with a sledgehammer.

...says the pot to the kettle.

Ugh, I HATE facebook, I had to just stop going there, I used to frequent alot, posting pics of my pregnant belly with Henry, but now I just can't stomach all of the good news, the baby pictures, the pregnancies, all of it. Basically I deal with it by ignoring it, pretending its not happening and it doesnt pertain to me in any way. I'm big on avoidance. I figure that it's best to pretend the boogie man isnt there -- then I can at least sleep.

Big hugs from me. It's the worst feeling, because you hate that you can't just be happy for people without complication or without feeling selfish or whatever.

For me, for the most part, I'm ok with it. I've found that it really does depend on the relationship (and to some extent, how the news is presented) - when two good friends told me they were pregnant, I was blissfully happy for them. I talked everyday via gchat with one of them, from before the first positive test through the devestating miscarriage news and the three weeks that followed until the miscarriage was over. No problems whatsoever dealing with that, beyond a great deal of sadness and frustration at not being able to do more or say the right thing when she miscarried.

On the other hand, more casual acquaintances? They rub me the wrong way, they irk me and I avoid them. Those are the people I have the harder time with. There is one woman in particular that I am avoiding at all costs right now because while I like her and am glad they are having a baby, she has no filter. She will just go on and on about it and my teeth are on edge and I want to blurt out things like 'IF, for the love of god, IF. Not WHEN. Haven't you learned ANYTHING from my failed pregnancies that you KNOW about? Good God, stop being so smug -- you aren't doing anything that I didn't do, you are just lucky where I wasn't.'

She and her husband had a 'Gender Cake Reveal' party this weekend; needless to say, we were busy and unable to attend.

I feel really terrible about it. I think it's becoming obvious I'm avoiding her, but I can't be around her and be sane right now. Maybe when I'm pregnant again, maybe when I have a baby. I feel badly, but I think it would be a bigger shadow over her happiness than me simply staying home instead of going out.

I try to be gentle with myself and kind to others, but as with everything in this minefield we trudge through, some days are better than others.

Hang in there, sweet heart.

I still use facebook but just skip over the annoucements and pictures (that's not to say they don't still hurt). I use the avoidance system too - one of my friends is due on the 24th and after Matilda died I just told her I wouldn't be able to see her. Cowardly I know especially given that it's been a long road for her to conceive but I figure I hurt enough anyway without going hunting for ways to make it worse.

When I see pregnant people out in public I try and think to myself - 'I don't know what they've been through to get there' Sometimes it works but mostly I'm just jealous - especially if they already have another child.

Martha - I find it much harder to be around little girls than little boys. Little girls always make me wonder what Matilda would've looked like at that age.

Maddie x

One of my friends was due the day after Gabe was due, with a boy. I tended to avoid a lot of pregnancy talk, and thought things would be easier after birth. In many ways they are, because it's so clear he is not my son. But sometimes it knocks me straight off my feet that that is what I would be doing now. That Gabe would be that old, and grinning too. That we'd still be on maternity leave (feels so foreign and bizarre a concept now).

I think she makes it easier on us by accepting gently what I have to offer. I do think as he continues to get older, it will get easier. But sometimes it's just breath-taking, in not a good way.

This is such a timely thread, I literally got a call from my newly married 21 year old brother telling me that I was "going to have a new niece or nephew", the most incredibly ironic part about this is that she hasn't even gotten a positive pregnancy test yet -- she just "knows". I wanted to scream at him -- "really!? you have the balls to call me and tell me THAT, in THAT way?! and you dont even KNOW yet?!", but of course I didn't, I told them congrats, that we were very happy for them. Inside I was thinking "what would you do if she miscarried or wasn't really pregnant at all? would you call us all back and take it back? all of your presumptive merry making?" -- but that's the ugly bitterness rearing it's head, and I try so hard to squelch it.

I think in the end we all end up stuffing alot down, on facebook, with friends irl, all the time. It makes me sad that our kind of grief can't be out there, completely open and raw -- it's simply too much for many people, too unsettling.

Hugs to everyone...

Martha, thank you for posting this. I am sorry that you are having to deal with one persons pregnancy after another, all boys no less. Boys are hard for me as well. The whole thing just sucks.

I also have a REALLY hard time seeing pregnant women and babies. I have had to deal with 3 pregnant co-workers in the past year and a half, and I cried just about everyday. If I saw them coming down the hall I would try to run in the opposite direction, but sometimes for some awful unknown reason, two of them would end up hunting me out in my classroom where I would try to hide. It was really odd because we were not what you could call friends, just co-workers, and there was really no need for their visits. They both also know that I lost my baby. One even came with her new baby in tow. I just wanted to curl up in a ball. Then they had a "faculty meeting" that turned out to be a baby shower for the coworker that just went out on maternity leave. No one told me that is was a shower and I walked in and was blown away. I would have most definately stayed away. I kept my composure for about 10 minutes (which seemed like an eternity) but then had to leave. I couldn't believe that no one warned me. Guess I was supposed to be "over" losing Devyn, huh? (she says with a sneer and sarcasm)

Seeing pregnant women in public gives me a feeling like I have been kicked in the chest. I was walking into the store the other day, and a set of apparently new parents were trying to load up their car. The back hatch of their car was open, and as I walked past I could hear a newborn crying (you know how a newborn cry in very distinctive) at FULL VOLUME. It sent a pain through my heart, and I wanted to yell at the baby's mother to get in that car and care for her baby, and let the father load the stuff! It almost seemed like she was oblivious.

It has been two years since Devyn died and i don't see it getting any better. But I am trying to do what I can to survive, even though these feelings of jealously and hurt make me feel like I am not a good person. I would never wish this hell on anyone, but I just cannot be truly happy for other people's pregnancies and I feel bad about that. Great huh? One more rotten thing to add to this miserable station called my "new" life.

Paula

Thanks for all the great posts. I love hearing from all of you about this...it's nice not to feel so alone or rotten for thoughts of jealousy and anger....

Big hugs to all of you too...