In our case our son died because of the negligence of my homebirth care provider, who is currently being investigated by the state. I have so much anger towards this woman (who lied in the documents she prepared for the state about many important aspects of my son's birth) that I want to take something away from her. I'm terrified that she will hurt another family. Is suing her going to help me at all? Or do you think this will only hurt my family? I understand it's a lengthy legal process, and frankly we don't have the money to pay lawyers upfront so we would need to find someone willing to work pro bono or who would agree to get paid after a settlement is reached.
I think more than anything my question is -- will this make me feel any better? Will this lessen the heart and anguish and fill any sort of void for me? Will I feel exhultant when she is punished? Or will I simply feel the same? We aren't interested in personal monetary gain, that aspect makes me ill, I simply want to put her in a financial position where she can't continue her business (and her license may be taken by the state anyway). If after lawyers fees there was anything left I imagine we would set up some kind of scholarship fun in Henry's name. I don't know ,is this all crazy talk?

Crazy talk? Nope, not at all.

Will it make you feel better? I doubt it very much. It is possible. I would pursue things with the state licensing board and make a complaint to be certain she can't continue practising and possibly hurt another family, but otherwise, I wouldn't sue.

Let me give you a little background on my situation: We were going to sue. We went so far as to be highly selective in publishing our story because of the possibility, and we went so far as to seek out opinions from medical personnel and recommendations for lawyers and had a friend look over our potential case.

We know the hospital and their staff acted negligently in our case, and that it could have been a contributing factor in Gabriel's premature birth. Had they acted responsibly, there is a chance labor could have been stopped and an emergency cerclage performed. No guarantees, of course, and I still don't know whether or not my water had actually broken by then and whether or not there was a placental abruption that triggered labor. And given what we know now, it's likely that pregnancy was doomed anyway.

Still, that doesn't condone the inattention and negligence in basic standard of care. They simply did not do their jobs the way they should have and there will always be a questionmark hanging over as to whether prompt medical attention could have altered the outcome.

Like you, I was furious. Once the shock started wearing off, I was ready to hurt someone. I wanted to see someone punished, I wanted that asshole attending to feel one-hundredth of the pain and loss I was feeling. I wanted to make sure it didn't happen to other people. And I'm not above admitting that I wanted a monetary settlement to make adoption or surrogacy possible more readily. But what it really boiled down to is that I really wanted acknowledgment that they fucked it up and that my son died.

We went back and forth over it, and then one day I woke up and I wasn't angry anymore. Just resigned. And I knew that the driving force of a potential lawsuit was my anger. And when it finally sank into my mind that Gabriel would be just as dead and gone whether or not we sued . . . I was over it. I didn't want to be in a legal battle for some time. I didn't want to relive it over and over. I didn't want to argue about my perceptions versus their records. I didn't want to have things about my care questioned (I was worried they would bring up my seeing a midwife and planning a homebirth - not that they knew that there at the time, but I feared it would make me look negligent in seeking care).

So we decided not to sue. I still plan to write to the hospital board and the chief of medicine about what occurred, when I am ready. Because it WAS wrong and no one else should be subjected to that. But a lawsuit was no longer worth it to me. I didn't feel the point would be proved and I didn't think I'd get an apology and it wouldn't change the outcome.

Back to you - what is the position with your midwife? Does she have malpractice? My mw did not. She specifically did not to discourage lawsuits. She was confident in her skill and had never been sued. I admit to being furious with her for some of her choices, but in the end, couldn't really fault her care.

As to whether or not it will help you to sue or do anything, I don't know. It might make you feel better, but it doesn't replace your son. I guess the question I would have for you is this - what happens when it is all done? Say you sue and you win. How do you imagine you will feel afterwards? How do you think you will feel if you lose? What do you most hope to gain by suing her? Vengeance? Retribution? A suspension of her license?

Is it worth it to you to go through a long process? Are you willing to have your own choices chronicled and questioned? I'm a big fan of homebirth, but a lot of people see it as inherently dangerous and stupid and you might judged harshly for your choice. Is there any time under her care where you did not follow her advice? Do you have evidence of negligence or harm on her part? If she's willing to falsify a report, will you be able to prove in court what really happened? Perhaps another question is this - is this just anger for you, or is there strong conviction behind it? I think for me, there wasn't strong conviction because I wasn't convinced we might not have had the same outcome even if I'd been properly cared for. Which doesn't necessarily matter in legal terms, but does matter when you are talking about a potentially lengthy and potentially nasty legal battle.

I'm very sorry you are facing this. Whatever you decide, if given careful thought, will end up being the correct decision. And if you get the process started and lose steam, that doesn't mean you can't later drop the suit (though you might incur fees by doing so).

I do urge you to try following up with the licensing board for your state though, especially if you are concerned about her continuing to practice. That shouldn't involve legal battles necessarily, and will accomplish an important goal you (rightfully) have.

Eliza, thank you for your response, I truly appreciate it. In our situation Henry most certainly would have been saved if my midwife had headed the warning signals and done her job, there were many mistakes made. If she had referred us to the hospital when the signs began coming that he was breech (which of course I did not realize at the time, but after hindsight and research, she clearly should have, being a licensed professional) she should have called, when my water broke and there was a TON of meconium, she should have called an ambulance and consulted with a doctor (which she is legally bound to do in this state) but she did not. Henry died largely because he was breech (head entrapment), but if we hadn't been stuck in traffic, because she never called an ambulance, he would have survived, I am 100% sure of that. He was a perfectly healthy baby who became stuck inside me because he was big and we hadn't known he was breach. If my midwife had checked me once during my labor we would have known.

The investigation the state is conducting is not something I can affect. It was initiated by the hospital where we finally arrived and where Henry was pulled out of me with forceps in the parking lot. I gave them all of the information, refuted her lies where I had evidence, and told the truth -- it was all I could do. Now the decision is up to the state officials, and it may take up to a year. All the while she is free to practice. I fear that another woman might be put through what I have been put through, but I just don't know if I have it in me emotionally to go after her. I think in the end I am going to leave it up to the state to decide. I WANT to sue her, definitely, but I think the side of me that says it will hurt me more is winning. As much as I want to punish her, I cant justify punishing my family in the process.

It's such a sticky mess, all of it. With all my being I wish I could rewind to 6 months and 8 days ago, to that morning when I had the chance to save him myself. But thats not real. What's real is this. And how I wish it werent so.

Oh, Mindy, how awful. How terribly awful. I am so very, very sorry. It is sticky. It is a mess.

The worst feeling is that of betrayal by the caregiver you trust. I don't how things were, but I felt really bonded with my midwife and I trusted her. I did a lot of research and felt very strongly that we were in good hands and I trusted her to tell me straight-up if things weren't right. Looking back, there were warning signs that I ought to have been completely moved outside her care, but well, we trusted the OB she sent me to when he said the bleeding was normal, when it clearly was not and when he said there was no reason not to continue seeing her when there clearly was.

I can't imagine the horror you feel when you think back on things. Your anger is not only understandable but justified. I hate so much that your trust was betrayed in such a manner and that your son died.

I think Eliza gave you sage advice. I just want to again say how horribly sorry I am for the trauma of Henry's birth and the terrible mistakes your MW made. I really just can't imagine how the memories of his birth haunt you and wish I could wave my hand and make things right for you and precious Henry.

To you and Eliza both, I'm so sorry for your substandard care. I am being faced with the blunt end of a not-very-understanding-medical-community right now in my situation, but haven't had to deal with anything like the trauma you have faced. Will just died in me...I had an u/s the week before that showed a perfectedly healthy boy and no other warning signs than that. I can't imagine how painful it must be to know that Henry would've been OK but for such greavous errors.

Mindy, have you considered contacting the press? Of course, opening yourself up to public scrutiny is a very scary and potentially awful thing...but it certainly would pressure the medical board and any insurance companies she works with to take more urgent action.

I can't imagine the anger and hurt you must feel. I honestly cannot.

Eve,

I have considered contacting the local paper, but have been advised not to by the investigators until its all over so as not to leave myself open for HER suing me for libel (which is ridiculous, but there's our legal system) so my hands are tied. I am literally a leper in my community, every mother that was a friend of mine no longer speaks to me (they were all members of this MW's mother's group, and she has twisted everything around to make it look as though I am persecuting her). It's such a small retirement community here that I havent been able to make any new friends, and frankly I just dont have it in me. We just bought a house and with the tax credit are bound to be here for at least 3 years or lose the $8000, which we have already used to pay my medical bills because we had no insurance.

What can I say, it's all just a nasty mess that has caught me up, and I cant get out. This is why Im depressed -- all the grief, the investigation, the friends that have deserted me completely. I know many of you are going through the same things too. It means alot to me to be able to come here. I never thought anything like this would happen to my family, it all seems to macabre and surreal, like some kind of terrible friday night movie. I had a blessed life before this, I had everything I had ever wanted -- I beautiful boy, a husband I loved, my health -- but now it's all so different. I just pray for us all, that happiness can find us again, that all these dark moments will become only memories.

How frustating to feel as if your hands are tied in all this. I can't believe that YOU are the one who is being shunned in the community. That is so very, very wrong. My good friend who lost her 6 year old and has seen a subsequent collapse with relationships to both her and her dh's family tells me that she often feels 'cursed' b/c she felt she lived such a blessed life only to have so many, many things go wrong all at once. I'm sure you can relate.

I hope there is some RL support for you out there. I feel so lucky for all the online support I've been given, and yet cyberhugs don't feel the same. Wishing to send you a real-live one as I type.

Hope sleep find you tonight and lets you rest some.

Mindy: I am so very sorry for everything you've had to go through. I think that Eliza and Eve have given you some excellent advice. As a lawyer (albeit, one who does not practice personal injury or medical malpractice) I want to echo some of the things that Eliza said. Litigation is an inherently messy and long ordeal. As Eliza said, all of your decisions will be put under a microscope, starting with your decision to have a home birth. While you may have had the most well thought out reasons for the decisions that you made, lawyers have an amazing ability to twist all of those choices into something ill-conceived. Honestly, as much as I can completely understand your desire for vindication, I would hate to see you dragged through the morass of litigation. As slow as the process is, I would wait and see what the state investigation concludes.

I can only imagine the pain that you must live with because of your loss, as well as the circumstances surrounding your loss. My opinion as to whether you should sue is just that-- an opinion... and one made with only a limited picture of the facts. If you continue to feel that filing a suit is something you'd like to pursue, I'd certainly recommend meeting with a lawyer. Plaintiff's cases, especially ones involving personal injury/medical malpractice, are generally taken on a contingency fee basis, meaning you pay nothing but, if an award is given, the lawyer will take a percentage. Maybe it will ease your mind to talk to an attorney, just to see if they think you have a case worth pursuing. Whatever you decide, I wish you some peace in the future. You certainly deserve it.

Mindy, while I agree you have been given excellent advice by these women, if I were in your shoes, you bet your ass I would sue. I've read Henry's birth story and have been angry, sad, and horrified for you and for Henry. He was a beautiful baby who was perfectly healthy and should be home with you right now had it not been for her negligence. If she did not follow the protocol set out for midwives by the state board, has lied to cover her own ass at your expense and is a risk to do this to another family then she needs to answer for what happened that day. While I don't know if winning a suit against her will make you feel any better for what you have suffered through, you may feel vindicated on Henry's behalf that she didn't come out of this with no reprocussions. Find a lawyer who will take you on a contingency basis, be prepared to be dragged through the mud for your personal choices but remember, YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. It was your midwive's negligence that cost Henry his life and has damaged you emotionally. She deserves to have to answer for her mistakes. I'd make her professional life so miserable that she'd quit even if she won the suit because I would appeal it a thousand times. Maybe I'm just vindictive but I think she needs to pay for Henry's life. Sorry for the rant hon, just my opinion. Hugs