Hi ladies.

I'm in a bad place right now. I hate this low spots, I feel like any good that had been done for me gets erased in my head so quickly when I'm like this. LIke yesterday, a more distant friend of mine came over and was so incredibly supportive and kind. She even called me later in the day to see how my doctor's appnt went, and we set up a time next week for her to visit.

And yet, I'm feeling incredibly let down by a few of my so-called 'best friends' this week. The only contact I've had wtih two of them was from me calling them early on in the week. My biggest letdown right now is a best friend who is dealing with secondary infertility. She admitted to me, at the begnning of my pregnancy that she was struggling to be around me b/c she was feeling jealous. It hurt me some then (though I tried to be extremely understanding). It hurt me b/c my pregnancy was the result of IVF due to my own secondary IF and I also struggled with IF with my son. Somehow, I guess I felt like she shouldn't be as 'jealous' of me b/c I have had such a struggle to conceive in the first place.


I know she's been down about her recent failed IUIs, so I've tried to be a support to her through that, as I've been there, done that. Even earlier this week I asked her to call me so I could be of support to her or at least pray for her with her own struggles.

And...nothing from her since Monday.

It seriously pisses me off. It's hard for me to understand that she could, in any possible way, still feel jealous of me. It hurts me so terribly that I've always tried to be there for her as a friend and supporter and she's COMPLETELY sucking at doing the same for me.

Why can't we support eachother in our own pain????????

Should I keep reaching out or just let it go? She's also close to my other friends, so it's not like I can easily cut her out of my life. And what makes me even more pissed is that it can't just be the pregnancy/baby thing, b/c I know today she happens to be babysitting for my friend's newborn baby boy.

OK, thanks for letting me vent. I truly have nowhere else to do this as all my friends are interconnected, and I'm not one to gossip or create problems.

HI Eve: I am so sorry that you are going through this horrible experience and, on top of it, have to struggle with your disappointment. I was the one who wrote the "friends, where have you gone" thread earlier in the week, so I certainly know what it feels like to be let down by friends.

There was one friend in particular whose actions hurt me immensely. She is a very close friend, but hadn't contacted me since I first told her of our loss. She sent an immediate e-mail expressing her heartfelt sadness (I told her I wasn't ready to talk on the phone) but I heard nothing since. Yesterday, i decided to swallow my pride and e-mail her. She immediately responded, saying that she thought I wanted space and didn't know what to do for me... but admitted that she made mistakes and should have done something more. We talked on the phone today and I was very honest with her about how isolating this experience has been for me. It also turns out that she just had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, which makes me feel terrible for her. Long story short, I was very relieved that I was upfront with her. She now knows better what I need and I feel like the weight of my anger has been lifted. I also now understand that there have been factors going on in her own life that have left her unable to be fully present for me right now.

All of this being said, I think if you really value the friendship, you should be honest and upfront with your friend. I am certain that her behavior doesn't come from jealousy... she might just be dealing with a lot of fear and uncertainty as to how to help you. I have come to see that, when one is in the midst of grief, it is easy to make assumptions regarding other people's actions (or lack of action). We tend to assume the worst because-- let's face it-- we've just experienced the worst so we expect more of that to come our way. I think we need to at least acknowledge to ourselves that our assumptions may be wrong. And, if they aren't... at least we know for sure when we directly address our concerns. What do you have to lose?

I hate that. It's such a sucky place to be.

I have a number of friends who dealt with IF and in the community we frequented, there were those who became somewhat hostile to those who had finally achieved pregnancy. It was like one week we were all cool and the next they were pariahs. It was really unfortunate and really unfair (especially in the absence of 'flaunting' the success), but well, we're all human and we can be petty and bitter, especially when we are hurting so much. And sometimes what seems like well-meaning support (you saying 'Hey, I've been there - twice. How can I help?') can end up being taken as patronizing or condescending.

And I can't help but wonder if she isn't avoiding you to some extent because she feels guilty for her earlier behavior. It's very possible that your tragedy has highlighted the poor behavior she's displayed towards a friend and she is ashamed and afraid that reaching out now will be taken badly.

Or maybe she's just not the friend you thought she was.

I don't have great advice. Online, it's easy to say confront her and tell her she's hurting you and get it all out and heal. In person, it's never so easy and has potential consequences that you just don't need or perhaps want right now.

So I'll just wrap all that up by saying that I'm sorry you've been let down and rebuffed in your attempts and hurt by your friend, because that always, always sucks.

Thanks for listening and understanding, scm & eliza.

I just spent the afternoon with another friend who has been fairly absent in her support as well. I did ask this particular friend if she would call me sometimes just to check on me, because sometimes I get so low that I have a hard time reaching out. I felt like a needy little kid asking like that, but I know it's what I have to do. We also planned a get-together for next week.

It's harder for me to think of confronting my friend with IF right now b/c I think I'm still dealing with the resentment for her not being there during my pregnancy complications even before we lost Will. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet. I know one of the best things for me to do right now is to just invest in the people who ARE supporting me. It's just hard to make a lot of new connections right now with all my activity restrictions since I'm pretty much grounded to my house.

As if babyloss is not enough...this whole friends thing makes it so much worse.

I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you.
I hope things are a little better today.
Take care Eve, and everyone else. xx