Feb. 28 will be one year since losing my daughter. We have no plans for that day. I know my husband and I will spend the day together. We will go do whatever feels right in the moment.

I know other people who have done cake and candles, balloon releases, family gatherings of some kind. That doesn't appeal to me, at least not this year - and I feel a little guilty about that. What if we effectively end up doing nothing? Will I regret it? I don't know.

Also there is my stepdaughter Lilly. She is 10, moving at full bore into adolescence. Should I plan something that will include her? She spends the weekends with her mom, but if I had something planned, she would be with us that Sunday. But what? Her dad is a quiet guy, not much for cake and candles either. On Angel's due date he didn't want to make a big deal with Lilly, didn't want to upset her, force her into anything awkward. He probably won't want to do that this month either.

Are we gyping her out of a valuable and healthy opportunity for grief and acknowledgment? She doesn't talk about Angel Mae any more, which is okay. But maybe we aren't giving her the space to? I don't talk about her very much in our home any more either - though she is constantly in my thoughts.

We have kind of said it all. We are all three still sad. She is still gone. Nothing we do or don't do on the 28th will change that. So why do anything?

For those of you with older children, what did you do/do you do to honor your lost child/ren on the anniversary and how did you include your older ones? Was it difficult? Did you get what you needed out of that experience? Did your older ones understand what was happening and why it was important? Did anyone here do nothing on the anniversary?

Thanks.

Jenni,

I'm not far along enough to have anniversaries, but I firmly believe that there are no 'shoulds' with grief. If you and your dh don't want to make a big ritual around your Angel, than I don't think you should force yourself just b/c other people have done something. My biggest advice with your daughter is to make sure the door is always open for her to discuss her own experience of Angel's loss. If she feels the unspoken rule that she shouldn't discuss those things, then it may weigh on her heavily. Maybe all that needs to be done before the anniversary day is a conversation between you, dh and you dd about what you might want or not want to do, and to let dd know you want to hear what she feels about the loss.

Hugs to you.

I don't have older kids, just a suggestion (take it and toss it with no hard feelings if it is bad). Why not ask your SD if there is anything special she would like to do? That gives her room to express the grief if she wants/.needs to, but doesn't force anything on her or deny her.

Like others here we haven't yet reached the year mark, but we recently finished the installation of Henry's memorial bench in the local state park, and we took our 3 year old along. We take every chance we can get to talk to him about Henry, to include him in these rituals of rememberance, and I think that is all we can do ultimately. Because my living son is so young we do small easy to understand things, like sending a balloon to Henry, or making sure to talk about him at bedtime or throughout the day -- I think that stuff is probably more important than taking the anniversary day and doing something grand with it -- it's ok not to feel the need to do that, and at the same time its ok if you dont want to talk about her everyday too. I think you have to feel comfortable, because your 10 year old is probably taking cues from you.
Whatever you choose to do it will be right.

Hugs,
Mindy

Jenni,

The first anniversary is tough. We have a 5 year old son and we lost our baby, Sam, at 38 weeks in July of '08. Last year on the first anniversary we took the day off work and pulled Henry out of day care. We told him it was a special day because it was Sam's birthday. The three of us went out for lunch and to see a kids movie. It was a peaceful, uneventful day and I think we were all okay with that. I wanted to remember my baby, not celebrate. To me, cake and candles for a baby who isn't here made things even more sad. Maybe that will change as time goes on, but I feel like I'm the type to just remember quietly with my husband and living son. On another note, I found the days leading up to Sam's birthday much more emotional than the day itself. I think I had found some peace when that day finally came.



Hugs to you,

Jenny

The first anniversary is very hard, but I hope you find solace and meaning in whatever you choose to do. We gave our 4 yo daughter a choice. Told her that we would be going up the mountain to visit the place where we released her brother's ashes and asked her whether she wanted to go, too. She said no. So we went by ourselves.

For our first anniversary we did do a balloon release but it was kind of secondary to actually getting together with supportive friends and family and just doing something together. More of a celebration of life. We will probably always release a balloon because my son (now 5) loves doing this for my daughter and actually asks for it. If I can suggest anything it would be to make it a special family day. Don't have to have cakes or balloons or anything like that but take your stepdaughter out for the day. Go to the beach, the zoo, a fair or the movies. Do something fun in honour of your lost loved one. Sitting at home doing nothing might actually hurt more than doing something.

xx

So far I've only hit the one month anniversary. I just got up early and lit some candles on the minute he was born. My daughter (3) came in and asked why and I told her they were to remember baby Aiden. She sat and watched the candles with me and has since asked to light them several times. When she is older, if I feel like doing something, I will probably ask her if there is anything she wants to do to remember and leave it at that. I hope the anniversary isn't too hard on you. ((hugs))