Since I was something like 6 years old, I've wanted to write fiction. Wanted to be published.

I've always written. Sometimes more than others, but I write. A lot. It's what I do. These last few years I've been taking it more seriously, and really working towards getting published.

I had an email today. A women's mag in the UK is going to publish one of my stories. They are going to pay me money to print my words. One of the harder ones to get published in, too, I believe.

A small part of my brain is thrilled. My dream is a step closer.

But most of me doesn't really care. I'm acting like I do - I'm acting like it's the best thing that's ever happened to me - but it's an act. It means very little to me. My baby died while still inside me. Why does it matter that my dream has happened?

Does it ever come back? Is it the same?

Will I ever be excited again?

(it doesn't help that two friends have texted asking about what the 'second most exciting thing that could happen' is - that's what i posted on facebook. I can hear the question behind their texts - 'are you pregnant?' Believe me, while I want to be pregnant again, it's not going to be exciting news. It's going to be many things - the main one terrifying - but not exciting. Not by a long chalk)

I can't tell you how it gets, since I think I know less than you. But I'm so very proud of you for getting this story published. Even if it does't bring you the joy that you might've thought that it once would bring, it's a wonderful accompishment and a testament to your talent. I wrote recently about losing the 'exclamation points' in my own life right now, and it sounds like you are in a similar place. But I can only hope that we will both find new exclamation points eventually, even if they were not the ones we expected before we lost our precious babies.

I think I would like to say 'Yes.' but I think it would be more honest for me to say I don't know. Pregnancy has been our focus for over 2 years now, either preparing for, trying for, being or losing.

I take great pleasure in writing and reading and have been looking forward to starting some new projects, but none of that is especially exciting as such. But then, none of that is something I've worked towards in this way. The closest I've come is resuming a fanfic I would someday like to make public, which is pretty lame all around.

My experience thus far has been that life continues, albeit an altered life. Melding this strange new you with the old normal world takes some time. I would expect you will feel excited about something again someday. But it may take awhile.

Congratulations on your published piece, B.

Thank you Eve. I hope you're right, that one day we find the exclamation marks again. It's strange... I'm someone who usually gets excited about the tiniest little things - I tell other people when they laugh at me kindly that if you don't take pleasure in the little things you won't be happy very often. it's hard to find myself with really excellent, exciting news and not be running around in excited circles squee-ing. It feels so wrong. But you'd think I'd be used to that by now....

'I would expect you will feel excited about something again someday. But it may take awhile'
I so hope you're right Eliza. It's hard to find myself so low even when something exciting has happened. I'm not known for my patience and I think I have to remember that this is a long-term thing. It's not going to be something I 'get over' anytime soon.

Thanks for your congratulations, Eve and Eliza. I hope I didn't sound like I'm showing off. Under normal circumstances, I'd be showing off all over facebook and my blog, but I just can't bring myself to even smile about it. Hopefully one day.

B, first off, I want to say a big "congratulations!" (yes, complete with an exclamation point!) That is a huge accomplishment.

Eve, you are so right about life losing its exclamation points. I have realized that I used to be one to use a lot of them in my e-mails. Now, they have disappeared (although I occasionally throw one in, lest people become totally disturbed by my somberness). In fact, I am irked when others send me e-mails full of them. Exclamation points denote excitement and joy. How dare anyone be experiencing these things when my life is so riddled with grief??

All that being said, however, excitement and, yes, even joy will return. We won't always feel this antipathy toward happiness. It will be buried at first, then dampened, and then simply shrouded by a very thin veil of bittersweet melancholy. But it will return.

And, B, just remember. It is actually okay to allow yourself to feel some happiness. You aren't doing wrong by your baby by granting yourself a moment of pride.

You're not showing off at all! I think, as women, we're so used to underappreciating ourselves. You should be proud of this....it's not something just everyone does, get published in a major magazine.

I'm so like you, I've always been a very optimisitic and, admittedly, a Pollyanna-type person. It truly is just my nature...and I find myself so uncomfortable in my on skin (and psyche) right now. I feel introverted and pessimistic and crabby and just so not myself. My dh tol d me the other day that he missed me. I miss me, too.

There's no doubt we all miss our old selves. And, no doubt, everyone around us does, as well. (This goes back to the "friends, where have you gone" thread, too. They want the old us back so much that some people are willing to pretend like our losses never happened....).

I have accepted that, for better and for worse, I will never be the same person again. However, I am sure that I will be a pretty good approximation of my old self and that new self will include optimism and joy. I won't let this tragedy permanently rob me of that.

"It will be buried at first, then dampened, and then simply shrouded by a very thin veil of bittersweet melancholy."

What a stunningly beautiful way to put it.

I agree that you should allow some happiness- some pride in your accomplishment. Even if you can't feel it- maybe you believe that your child would want you to be happy. I choose to believe that all of our children would want us to do what it takes to find joy in our lives. I hope that you get to feel that in your writing someday.

Congrats, B. That is good news. I know what you mean about being happy - I actually resent any reasons to be happy right now. I'm hoping that will change, but in the meantime we are all proud of you and maybe you can wait and be happy about it later when you feel up to it.

You are all so reassuring. And so kind to congratulate me. I don't feel I deserve it right now. Which is odd, because I realise it's such an achievement. Possibly the first thing I've ever done that feels out of the ordinary. And yet... I just don't care.

scm, like eliza says, that's such an amazing way of putting it. thank you. i will work on finding some happiness...

Eve, my friend told me that her husband (who is not usually the most insightful person around) said that one of the reasons this must be so hard for me is *because* I am usually so happy and upbeat. I think he's right. When you're used to being positive, happy, confident - it feels very scary and unfamiliar to suddenly find that you are going though such a dark, dark place. (Of course, I don't mean to say that people prone to depression would find this any easier. It's just differently difficult.)

scm, bravo. Over time I will make sure to bring back some measure of optimism and joy, even if it's tempered with more realism than it was in the days 'before'.

Eliza, yes; I quite agree.

Sooze, thank you so much for that. Maybe I can find a smile and a piece of joy for the baby's sake. I have a story brewing about a woman taking a pregnancy test after losing a baby and realising that all she can do is surrender herself to fate. It's not ready yet, but I think it will help to think of that story as a gift the baby gave me. Even if I never show it to anyone else (which I quite probably won't).

Jen, thank you so much. I like that idea, that you can all be proud of me and wait for me to catch up!

See, I used an exclamation mark. I hope you are all proud....

VERY proud. I find it easier to cheer for others than myself. Maybe that's part of the whole guilt thing, huh?

Eve - About two months after we lost Matilda, my husband said to me 'I miss Mad' and all I could say was 'I miss her too'. And I still do.

Maddie x

B,
Way to go. Getting published is huge. You have your whole life to accomplish great things and celebrate them with a little more enthusiasm. I think it's o.k. that this time can be quiet appreciation mixed with apathy.
take care,