Im just curious how mamas who have been through or are going through a subsequent pregnancy after loss dealt with the constant fear. Did anyone take antidepressants? I'm at the point where I cannot enjoy my life or my family because of my constant fear for this pregnancy (Im 16 weeks). I have a doppler, which I use pretty much daily, but it doesnt help me that much, I am convinced that this pregnancy will not go to term and that I wont be taking this baby home either. I haven't been completely honest with most about these intense fears, because no one wants to hear it, they want to feel hopeful, but I just dont. We dont have the money for therapy because we're paying out of pocket for this birth (planned c-section) and I have no insurance and we dont qualify for state aid (been there, done that, about a trillion times, I've been everywhere looking for help, we fall right in the middle where we dont qualify for anything). I'm trying everyday to feel positive, I'm fighting it hard. Is this just going to be utter hell?

Oh Mindy. That all sounds so terrifying. I'm so sorry it's so hard for you.

I'm not pregnant yet. But I've met with my midwife to plan my next pregnancy (... obviously in so far as these things can be planned) and she is well aware that a) I'm terrified (I sobbed and sobbed when we met and were talking), and b) I don't expect a better outcome next time. And I kind of feel that in a way I have handed those fears on to her, and that for the minute, she can deal with them and give my brain a rest. I'm still terrified, but it doesn't seem as terrifying.

(Of course, that will quite possibly return with a vengeance when (...if?) I get a positive pregnancy test result. But hopefully it will help knowing that she understands.)

Is there even just one person (medical, family, friends) who you could be open with about your fears?

I'm thinking of you. I hope someone out there has a more practical answer for you.

Mindy,

I don't know that I have that much perspective on this, but I am standing where you stand, and it is equivalent to having one foot off the edge of a cliff. I completely understand your fears and your difficulty to see the possibility of a healthy baby at the end this journey.

I'm sure I've shared my story, but where I'm at right now is nearly 29 weeks pregnant with Abby after learning her twin, Will, died in utero at 24.5 weeks. These past 5 weeks have been excrutiating in my worry for her. I feel that I have been robbed of joy and anticipation for her arrival, and most days, I just cannot 'see' her being ok, despite the improved medical reports we continue to get on her each week.

The doppler has certainly been a lifesaver for me, I'm glad you have one as well. She moves much more than probably what you can feel, but I still find myself doing the doppler just to hear the reassuring gallops even if she has recently kicked and performed her alienesque moves inside me. Especially before I sleep, this helps.

Even before we lost Will, my pregnancy was filled with anxiety as I was high risk due to my hx of PTL with my son and the fact that I developed a serious subchorionic hematoma at 8.5 weeks with the twins. At that time, they only gave my pregnancy a 50/50 shot. I had such a hard time even bonding with my twins from the start because of this. But gradually as I progressed in my pregnancy, I let my guard down (of course it helped for me finding out their genders). I really thought that I was pretty much 'out of the woods' by 24 weeks, and then was 'only' facing PTL issues. Of course, little did I (or anyone here) know.

But I'll tell you this. I don't regret any of the time I bonded with Will before he died. In fact, what I regret is not bonding with him further and waiting until he died to name him. That haunts me to this day, that he died without a name.

That being said, I'm still struggling with this with Abby. I'm bonding with her in so many ways since I know her movements so well now. But I'm terrified to prepare for her arrival. I feel like I might 'jinx' myself if I get her nursery ready. And yet, there are moments when I realize I will regret not doing these things for her, even if she doesn't make it. I'm hoping that I will feel more like preparing functionally for her arrival when I get to 32 weeks.

As far as the anxiety. I know this may sound cheesy, but I think that it is God's peace and strength that gets me through. It doesn't get me though to the point of assuming (I'll never assume again) she'll be ok. But, I know God gives me daily sips of peace to get me through the times when I can't get the memory of Will's still heart out of my head. Or when the what ifs crawl in and whisper horrible things like maybe Abby died when I was taking a nap.

I had my first visit to my bible study since losing Will last night, and it was a very hard time (our bible studies are actually fun, full of food, and filled with laughter) for me since I just didn't feel like smililng, let alone laughing. But before I left, my group prayed with me while I cried. And you know what? I feel different today. LIke my load is lightened just a little bit. I know I'll dip back down again, but just this short respit restores me some.

If you want, I will be praying for peace for you as well...for God to provide you with times to catch your breath and glimpse hope in the future of this new baby to be while still remembering your precious Henry.

Gabriel was a pregnancy after 2 losses.

It was awful. Apart from the physical issues of a rough pregnancy, the emotional drain was bad. I didn't see a therapist then or consider drugs, because I was convinced when I passed the mark of the previous losses (9w1d) I would be ok. And I was, until the bleeding started.

I really regret now how much time I wasted worrying about things and how out of control I frequently felt.

I am currently trying again, after Gabriel. Gabriel, for me, was a much harder loss to take, because things were finally looking up and I'd finally started to believe he was going to make it.

I am in process of switching meds to a pregnancy-safe anti-depressant. The three days without, which coincided with a chemical pregnancy, were hideous. Because I believed myself pregnant again. . . it was a clear sign I am not ready for life without meds. The ad's give me a baseline of calm and the techniques my therapist is teaching me help me remain calm, rather than spinning out into anxiety-land.

Keep in mind though - this is going to suck, because you know precisely what you are facing. You know that there is no 'safe' time and that there isn't a whole lot you can do to guarantee that you will bring your baby home. You are already looking into the options within your control.

For some people, that ends up being immensely comforting - it's out of their hands, so they shrug and wait. For others, that ends up making it worse - they can't focus on anything else.

My suggestion to you would be to talk to your doctor about a pregnancy safe medication - Zoloft is what I'm switching to, and there is a generic version available (which may mean it is available through a program like WalMart or Target where the generic scripts are available for set low amounts). It may also be worthwhile to consider learning some meditation to help you unwind and refocus (it's a central point in our anti-anxiety campaign) and help you push it off.

Additionally, it may be worth contacting the hospital to see if they have any outreach programs - some have loss groups and even pregnancy after loss groups that may be free or reduced costs and able to help you. You could also see if there is a therapist who specializes in pregnancy after loss and contact them, explain your situation as you did here and see if they will work with you. I've found that a lot of therapists are willing to try to help you out if they can - payment plans, reduced rates, even barters with some caring souls.

It's a tough journey, and you are brave to be going through it. Lots of peace to you.

Also, I am most willing to listen to your fears and anxieties anytime. I'm no professional therapist, but I've been at least part-ways down that road.

Please feel free to email me anytime. easjer05 at gmail dot com

thanks mamas, it's so important for me just to know that someone reads what I'm feeling sometimes, it's a release for me, which is why I started to blog in the first place and how I got in touch with so many others in our shoes. I think that taking each day for what it is is important, it's not like every day is horrible, but sometimes it's just overwhelming. thank you for listening.

Mindy although I never conceived or will conceive since losing my son, all my pregnancies were like walking on eggshells because I have miscarried six times due to a clotting disorder. I was so distraught and scared when I learned of Calvin's heart defect in utero that I was referred to a reproductive psychiatrist. She gave me a prescription for Ativan and I had weekly sessions with her. She also gave me a copy of her book "Mood Disorder in Pregnancy" by Shaila Misri which lists the anitdepressants which are safer to use while pregnant. In many cases, the exposure to chronic stress is far more harmful then the side effects of antidepressant medication during pregnancy. I would urge you to be honest with your doctor and ask him for some help. You sound as if you are experiencing PTSD and would probably benefit from some drug therapy. Alot of doctors are unwilling to prescribe medications during pregnancy, my doctor has been a pioneer in researching the use of mood disorder drugs and has found that many of them are actually safer than previously thought. I'm not sure her book is available to you depending on your location, she's the head of reproductive psychiatry at BC Women and Children's Hospital. If you like, I can see what I can come up with for you, message me on my blog. Hugs

Hi Mindy, I'm in a similar situation to you. I'm 15 weeks pregnant and boy it's hard. I'm exhausted from the every day battles with the demons in my head telling me to only expect the worst.
I'd hoped once the first trimester was over I might relax a little, but I can only see this getting worse. There's no safe time. Florence was born alive and six hours later was dead. No one expected that.
Everyone tells me it'll be ok this time, and I try to be positive for them, and for this baby. I don't know what else I can do except try. x

Mindy: I am not pregnant again and I highly doubt that I ever will be. I wanted to give you my support, though. I can only imagine the stress that you must feel. My one recommendation is to consider listening to some guided imagery to help with relaxation. My grief counselor recommended the CD/ipod downloads from healthjourneys.com. She recommended the general wellness "tape" for me (I'm going to order it today). I see that they have one specifically for pregnancy, which may be helpful for you. You can either order a CD or download for your ipod,

thank you ladies, these are all wonderful, and I so appreciate your responses. I'm going to ask my doctor about safe prescriptions in pregnancy, something for anxiety. It's funny, I saw some commercial last night for depression, and I swear to you (as corny as it sounds) I was nodding my head at every depressing question they asked (do you feel isolated? don't want to go anywhere? don't want to see anyone? -- yes yes and yes). Sometimes I wonder if this is just grief, if it's normal, or if I've passed some kind of invisible line where I need help. Nothing is clear for me anymore since Henry's death, not even mundane things so this question in particular continues to puzzle me.

For me, it was apparent that it was depression and not just grief when I was nodding along to everything the commercials were saying. But the real factor for me was the physical toll it was all taking - not sleeping, not eating, not being able to focus or concentrate, constant fatigue.

Now it's a matter of wishing I'd made the leap ages ago, because I'm so much more centered and calm on the meds.

I wish you luck. It's a very hard road you are facing, and you are being very brave.

Mindy (briefly putting on my therapist's hat),

Grief and depression have a fine line between them. I think the best way to determine if a med will help is to look at how your 'level of functioning' is being effected by your grief...a complicated way of saying: Are you eating too much or too little still? Are you sleeping too much or too little still? Can you function at work? Are your relationships being effected significantly? Do you find that you are crying all the time or acting out angrily without being able to control it?

I hope you find the right answer for you.

The nurse practiioner I saw today recommended I consider taking Zoloft...but I feel that I am still in a grief stage and not a clinical depression (it's only been a month since losing Will for goodness sakes, lady). But I have no reservations in taking medication if I need it...I just don't feel I'm there yet.

I've seen my GP a few times since Matilda died and she's talked to me about how it's difficult to tell where the line is and she's also not trying to talk me into being depressed.

What she's says is similar to Eve above which makes me think I'm not depressed. I'm eating, showering, looking after the neighbours kids three days a week, and seeing people I'm comfortable with seeing. She also said it was about pervasivness - that is, is it all the time or do you have ups and downs. It's definitely always there for me but I do have better periods where I actually enjoy reading a book or cooking something new. She's worried by socially I'm still isolating myself but I am starting to see close friends again now.

I posted on my blog about having problems with anxiety. I've been seeing an acupuncturist and I think that's helping.

Do you have any organisations nearby that offer free counselling? I'm in Australia and there's more than one organisation for baby loss and they all offer free counselling to anyone that needs it.

Thinking of you.

Maddie x