This is kind of the opposite to the 'friends, where have you gone?' thread. And apologies in advance for the length... I have kept it as short as I could.

In the days 'before', I was part of a group of ten friends. We met up regularly for what we called Tea in Town - met in a bar in town after we'd all finished work, had a glass of wine and then went to get some food before all going home very sedately (usually by 9.30 at the latest - very civilised).

Then the miscarriage happened.

Two of this group have done things since that really, really hurt me (both are pregnant and both have posted insensitively on facebook [if only I had the sense to never go back...]). I have no wish to ever see them again - they weren't people I was particularly close to anyway and if we weren't all part of this group I wouldn't bother with them anyway.

One of this pair emailed out last week to arrange our next Tea in Town outing. I emailed back, copying everyone in, saying that I was still devastated by the loss and also going back to work and wanted to be left out of the group emails for the foreseeable future. No response; mission accomplished. I've made contact with those I want to stay in touch with, who are happy to meet me separately.

The problem is (I knew I would get there in the end!), this isn't a permanent solution. Sooner or later, one of them is going to say to one of the ones I'm still meeting '... so what's going on with B? Why doesn't she come out with us anymore?'

If they say it to me, I will tell them the truth, calmly and kindly. But... if I don't say anything I fear I'm going to put one of my *real* friends in a difficult position. I don't want to make a big thing out of this; I just want to drop out of the group.

Has anyone else faced this, or anything even remotely similar? How did you deal with it?

(Just as an aside - one of the group is getting married in April, the day before one of these babies is due. The woman is adamant she will be there and I think the likelihood is that she is; well, odds are both will be. I am actually not going to my friend's wedding for fear of having to talk to them. I feel really crappy about it, because she has been so supportive to me and I want to be there for her, but I can't. So, yeah, I'm feeling pretty awful about this whole thing and don't want to cause problems between anyone else.)

Aaaargh. As I pressed submit, I realised that my thread title could be read as that I don't want you people here at Glow any more. That wasn't what I meant at all! I hope noone takes it like that before clicking through...........

Just to be entirely clear, I'm talking about real life people. Not the lovely people on here.

Most people talk about people not making contact and that hurting. I haven't had that so much - we had a funeral for Matilda and had a lot more of our friends come than we expected to.

But I've got a friend (I've posted about this in another thread) who's hurt me with her behaviour including marching up to my Mum after the funeral and asking what happened (she knew my baby had the omphalocele so it shouldn't have been too hard to figure out there were complications - that's not the whole story but I don't really feel like explaining it to her now), two weeks after Matilda died asking me out for lunch to 'catch up' without including a 'if you feel like it', 'thinking of you', 'how are you',, I replied to that saying it would be weeks perhaps months before I felt like doing anything like that. Two weeks later getting a letter saying 'perhaps you feel like going cycling' - umm well it's only 4 weeks since I had a c-section and I can't see that road cycling and grief is going to be a great idea. I ignored the letter - she then rang one of my closer friends asking about me. That friend said I wasn't great but had support around me and to give me space. Since then there's been another phone call, text, and a phone call to my husband.

I just don't think she understands that I'm not just going to pick up my previous child-free existence like this never happened. Two days ago I sent her an email saying 'If you want to keep in touch then email is going to be the best way for the next few months' and have heard nothing.

A part of me wants to explain how she's hurt me and why I don't want to see her. But another part of me thinks that with the way she's acted, she's just not going to get it.

This is long sorry.

So B I've faced a similar situation but as yet, haven't resolved it. It's probably easier for me because we don't share a group of friends so word isn't going to get back to her unless I say something directly.

Maddie x

I'm sorry your feeling so misunderstood by your friends. I used to have a very close group of 'mommy friends' as I call them (they were all in a mommy & me group with me). Oddly, the group sort of split in different directions when my friend lost her 6 year old son...it was as if the group, as a whole, couldn't adapt to the cirsis my friend was enduring. I suppose large groups of friends can never really last anyway.

I think you continue to have contact with those who give you support and don't worry about the others, if they want to know what's going on, they are free to contact you. I know you are worried about this putting your supportive friends in a bad place, but really, all they need to say if they are questioned by another is, 'I don't really know what's going on, why don't you ask her about it?".

I am sad that all of us going through this babyloss are spread so far from one another that we cannot even give a hug or bring a cup of coffee (or tea) over for a good cry. I would like to be involved with a local support group, but am unable to currently with my modified rest restrictions.

Is there anything like that available in your area?

Thanks Maddie. It helps to know other people have faced it, even if you haven't actually got an answer.

She does sound like an 'it's all about ME' friend. It sounds like all you can do is ignore her until she gets the hint :(

Eve... I never thought of the simple answer! Daft but true. I suppose part of it is that I've only told one of the three the whole truth about wanting to be out of the group entirely. But yes, I think I will have to tell them that if they ask, they should just refer people to me directly. that takes them out of the difficult situation, and then... well, we'll see if any of them ever bothers to actually ask me directly.

I would love to be able to meet you all. The internet is so good and so bad from that point of view.

There are no support groups that I'm aware of in this area. One thing I'm thinking for the future is that that might be something I want to rectify. But that's far away at the minute.

B - The other thing I forgot to mention about this friend is that even if I'd had a normal pregnancy and living baby I think the friendship may have ended anyway. She doesn't have kids and I've listened to her complaining about her friends who've had babies before - 'why can't they just come out to dinner and bring the baby with them' not really understanding that a baby changes your life completely. That you don't just carry on as before and take the baby along.

Also, I use to close friends to shield me from those I'm not ready to see yet. When my SIL said people keep asking about me and that they're worried I asked her to let them know that I'm 'OK' in the sense that I'm eating, showering, etc but it's going to take a very long time before I feel like being social and am anything like 'back to my old self'. This has taken some of the pressure off me. Maybe you have some very close friends that could do the same for you?

Maddie x

I agree with Maddie. I have close friends who shelter me when I just can't deal. And here's the thing, you can only do what you can do. Baby showers, teas, lunches, whatever, if you want to skip, skip. People who you want to see, you do. Honestly, if they have to ask, "why doesn't she come out with us anymore?" they probably aren't going to get what you are going through anyway.

Thank you all for your answers. I feel better about the situation now. And my friends, the real ones, are so amazing about looking after me and protecting me when I need it. I will use their support, and hope that I can somehow repay them in the future (although hopefully not in similar circumstances).