Hi ladies,

Having a sad moment here...happens every time I attempt to pick out receiving blankets for the twins' birth.

In better news, one my friends not totally connected to my 'regular circle' called me today as she just learned about our losing Will. She was someone I had emailed, but had not heard from (and was so hurt by that)...well, her email address had changed. Anyway, it was comforting to know she wasn't just ignoring our loss. I also heard from one of our pastors at church today who actually talked with me about planning a service for Will. I have needed them to ask us about that for a month now. We don't know what we're doing yet, but I just needed to be offered a service for Will as the 'real boy' that he was, not some figment of my imagination that just conveniently disappeared before he could be born.

So, since I'm in the unique place to actually prepare for the delivery of my dead son, I am interested to know this:

if you had had more time to prepare for the birth and death of your baby, what would you have done differently? What would you NOT have done/had done? What do wish you would've done?


We will be having a NILMDTS photographer with us, and will be providing a special blanket for Will, we plan to hold him, but besides that I'm just not sure. I know we won't know everything until it happens, but I"m interested to hear from those of you who walked this path.

Thanks, dear friends.

Our preparation for his birth amounted to growing dread in the u/s room (as I was crying in pain between contractions and having to stay still and the u/s tech's probing), and then about 20-40 minutes from getting wheeled back to triage to when the doc checked me to when I delivered in triage. I sort of knew but still hoped until the end they'd do something to help me.

Anyway, I felt very present in the time we held him. Very calm. Knowing it was our only chance to be with him. There were moments when I wasn't. I remember so clearly saying to my husband, with Gabe in my arms, that we would never do this again, ever. I remember studying him and trying to imprint him on my memory.

If I had had the luxury of knowing, I would have brought a blanket from home. I would have brought something to dress him in and cards to make more feetprints, and I would have asked for handprints (which we didn't get). We got a clay mold with his feet imprints, but it's cracked as it's dried. I would have asked for an NILMDTS photographer, or at least have taken a whole bunch more pictures, showcasing him a little more, like his beautiful tiny hands with perfect little fingernails or his giant kangaroo feet. I would have insisted on a picture of him in his father's arms, even if all you could see was blankets.

One of my biggest regrets is in not touching him more while he might have still been alive. We don't know exactly when he died, only that when they finally (finally) gave him to us, his heart was still beating. I didn't want him to get cold, so I kept him wrapped up, but I wish I'd touched him and held his tiny hand (I've never admitted it, but it shocked me in a not-good way when I once looked at one of the first pictures he took - I'm pretty sure he had already passed, but I don't know for certain - and his hand was curled around and holding the cord clamp. I could have held his hand instead if I'd realized he was grasping things. I'm sorry if that's morbid, I've never told anyone or pointed it out before). I wish I'd kissed him more and hugged him. I was so afraid of hurting him.

If I'd known, I'd have had a blanket to stay wrapped around him that could have been cremated in, and possibly a small stuffed animal as well. I'd also have one that we took home with us for his box. It hurt both of us a lot (haunted us actually, which prompted us to choose cremation for his remains) to think of him in the morgue in a cold box with no blanket. I'd have felt better if I knew he was wrapped in something, especially from us.

We had the chaplain come and she sat with me while my husband was gone tending to our dog and getting me some basic toiletries. She blessed Gabe for us. If we'd had more notice or time, we might have called a priest (J was raised Catholic, but he said he didn't care to try and find one in the time) and he had already passed away when it came down to it, so it didn't seem to matter anymore whether he was baptised (and I don't personally believe baptism a requirement; raised too Protestant I guess). Either way, if we'd had more coherence about us, and time to choose, I might have wanted a special poem or verse read or prayer said over him. One of my favorite verses now is one my friends had engraved and sent to me (I plan to get this tattooed with his feet on my foot at some point) is one that says "The Angel said, "I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God." (er, the reference tattooed, not the whole thing). Having that said then might have made it even more endearing to me.

I'm sorry, I don't know how coherent this is. I try not to revisit that time much, because while all the time with him is so precious, the surrounding environment was simply awful. I have a hard time not getting into a rage when I think of my time in the hospital, so it's hard to just think of Gabriel. I'm sorry it's so long.

I hesitate to say this, because it sounds awful, but give yourself room to decide what you are ok with in the moment. I thought I would want to hold Micah's body and take pictures, but when I was actually faced with his body, I didn't want that at all and it was really hard for me to give up on what is 'supposed' to be healing. He had been dead for about three days when he was born, and it was a few hours after the birth before I had the chance to try to hold him (my choice - I wanted to let the epidural wear off before I went to hold him so I could go by myself). I couldn't handle it - the changes in his poor little body were way too much for me and I didn't want to hold him and I had a hard time forgiving myself for that and letting them take him away. So just be ready to be gentle with yourself - you may need more time or less time or who knows, but make sure you give it to yourself. Plans are wonderful, but you won't know how you feel in the moment until you are there.

More practically, I should have written down the answers to the decisions that had to be made so that I didn't have to have the same horrible conversation with every new shift of nurse that came on. No, we don't want an autopsy. Yes, we really are sure. Yes, we have selected a funeral home. Yes, we do have a minister and she has been contacted, you don't need to send in the random chaplain. No, we don't want to see the social worker. No, seriously, we don't want an autopsy. Repeated over 3 days of labor and nurses on 8 hour shifts. A sheet of paper taped to the door might have done wonders.

I wish I'd kissed Matilda and had a picture of it.

I wish we'd got a photographer to come. They offered to get one for us but DH didn't want to wait. I think he was scared of still holding her when she got cold and I respected that so we didn't. Because she was 4 days old we'd already spent a lot of time with her (though it's never enough).

I tried to stay present. My mind would run away to 'how are we going to cope with this when we leave here' but I just tried to focus on the present because I knew it was all the time we were ever going to get with her.

I wish we had more photos. We've got a lot but I still wish there were more.

I have photos a friend took at the funeral. I know someone else that doesn't and wishes she did.

I wish we'd had our own blanket to wrap her in and clothes to dress her in. We didn't think she was going to die and was going to be in hospital for a while so even though DH had been home we hadn't bothered bringing anything in yet.

There will probably be things you'll forget or wish you'd thought of but I often remind myself, we did the best we could at the time. Especially when I feel guilty about not kissing her.

Maddie x

I guess that last bit from Maddy is perfect.

No matter what you do, you will probably still have regrets and wish you'd done something differently. And of course, the fact that you have your daughter to be concerned with as well makes it all more difficult, as I know that her state at the time of birth will really be a complicating factor.

Flexibility is probably a very important thing here.

Thank you all. I hope this question didn't seem too intrusive. I have so much time to sit and think about it, almost like Will hasn't even really died yet. I know there is no 'perfect', but just thinking of concrete things I can do now helps me during this horrible waiting game I've been thrust into. It also dawned on me that I really should have some sort of hospital bag prepared, and of course that will include the things we want to have when the twins come.

Things I wish I would have done? So many, too many, things that haunt me. But the question youre really asking is how to honor him and create a lasting memory of your time with him after his birth. Am I right? I wish I would have undressed Henry and pressed him to my own naked chest, I wish I would have looked at his bottom, inspected his every tiny part, and not felt compelled to keep him wrapped up and "safe". I wish I had taken him outside for a walk when they suggested it (though this isn't practical in your situation if you're going to have a c/s of course). I wish I had taken photos of every part of his body, his hands, his feet, his nose, his eyes, his ears, everything, so I could go back and inspect every part. I wish that I had dressed him a special outfit, I had only brought a special diaper (cloth diaper) and a special blanket and hat.

There is so much more, but I hope this helps a little.
Hugs to you...
M

Do you have any idea about the size he'll be? I hope that's not insensitive. I'm asking because I wondered if it might help for you to make him a small something to wear from your own hands (or if you are not handy with sewing, knitting or crocheting, from someone else who cares). I think that something hands on for you may help somewhat, something into which you can pour your love and tears for Will now, keep your hands busy and occupied while your mind wanders, and something which you can wrap lovingly around him later.

I wish I had taken off the little knit cap the nurses had put on my son, so I could have seen his hair and ears better, and that I had some photographs of him without the cap. I wish I had asked for a basin of warm water to wash the vernix from his skin and hair. I wish I had had a blanket from home to wrap him in after he died and during his cremation.

Thanks for continued advice and ideas.

Eliza, he was almost 2 lbs when he died, but there's no way to know what his size will be when he's born. It depends on how long I carry Abby. I have visited some sites where they sell little micro-preemie gowns, so maybe that is something for me to consider.

It makes me so sad to not to have seen him fresh from my womb without the deterioration that his death will cause. I wish I would've gotten a 3-D scan of him when he was still alive.

Eve, I also wanted to mention that although i am ony 6 short months away from my own loss, i can see now that there will always be something about the experience with saying goodbye to a loved child that you will wish was different (obviously you wish you didn't have to experience saying goodbye at all). I think it's important not to work yourself up in anyway (not that you are, but just in case you begin to feel this way) about trying to make it the most perfect imperfect experience. You will probably wish later that you had done or said something different, but when the moment comes, you will do everything that you must do, everything that you CAN do, and then it will be over, and no matter what, your love for him is what remains.

Eve,
I wish that I had lovingly picked out an outfit for Jenna to be buried in. The hospital provided some tiny clothing (she was 2 lbs) and I didn't clue in until after her memorial service that the little knit sweaters in the memory box were given to us for that intention. Instead she was wrapped in receiving blankets.
While I feel like a really crappy mom about that some days, I do realize that I did my best with the decisions I made at the time. So I agree with what is written so wisely above. Make some plans including main things that are important to you, then embrace the moment where you will get to meet Will and just be.
I loved your belly shots, your face is perfect. Thank you for sharing them. You are so brave.
I pray, pray, pray for you.
Love,

Eve I just went and read alot of your blog to understand what you are facing and I want you to know how truly sorry I am that the remainder of your pregnancy and the joy of expectation will be shadowed by the sadness of Will's death. I too lost my boy twin but after his birth. It's so complicated to lose a child while trying to nurture a newborn who needs you so much. In a way, Georgia kept me going after losing Calvin but it was very, very hard. I know that Will's body will probably be deteriorated by the time you give birth to Abby and I'm not sure what you will be comfortable with in those moments following their births but here are some things I wish I had done for Calvin:

I wish I had bathed him myself after he passed away instead of handing him over to a nurse to bathe.

I wish I had changed his diaper and undressed him, turned him over and inspected all his little parts. I never saw my son naked except in pictures and I regret that so much.

I wish I had paid closer attention to detail and written down the remarkable things about him such as how long his fingers were, how tiny his little feet, where his stork bite was on his head. I wish I had written who's ears he had, who's eyes etc...

I wish I had held him naked against my naked body, skin to skin against my breast and that I had taken the time I needed with him. I felt very pressured by hospital staff and by my husband not being comfortable around him after he died so I handed my son over long before I was ready to. I wish I had held him until I was ready to let him go, not because others made me feel I had to.

I wish I had bought him a special blanket to be buried in. We had a blanket that I had bought while I was pregnant but it was just a small receiving blanket wrapped around him in his casket. I wish I had a special quilt or blanket made for him that I could have tucked him into as a symbol of being wrapped in our love.

I wish I had accepted help for caring for Georgia while trying to grieve for my son. Caring for a newborn is exhausting when you are grieving the death of their sibling. I didn't sleep much in the days following Calvin's death and Georgia's early days were spent in a haze because I was barely functioning. It wasn't enough to have my husband helping because he was just as grief stricken as I was at the time. If you have a mother or close family who can come to stay after Abby and Will are born, it will give you some time to cry and grieve for him while she is being cared for. Trust me on this, you'll need some respite.

Like Mindy, I wish I had individual pictures of Calvin's parts, his feet, his hands, his head etc. You'll never have enough pictures.

You may want to take a picture of the twins together, maybe your husband holding Will wrapped in a blanket and you holding Abby or vice versa. You will never get another chance to have a picture of your twins together so try to seize the opportunity. If Will doesn't look very good because of deterioration, just position him so that he is still there in the picture with Abby but covered if you can.

Take some of his hair and keep it in a locket.

Get your church and friends to prepare meals for your family, you will be under a tremedous amount of stress and people love to help in any way they can.

Tell Will how much he was wanted and loved and what your dreams for him were. Tell him everything in your heart, about how you love him and how sad you are.

I can't really think of much else Eve, I'm sure there are other things you will want to do for him when he comes, maybe see if you can get his hand and foot prints. They can make memorial jewelery in gold with the baby's fingerprints or footprints now and there are companies that can also make diamonds out of cremains. You could have a piece of jewelery made in Will's honour, something you wear all the time. My husband had a necklace made for me, two diamond hearts for our girls and a plain gold heart with Calvin's birthstone in it for him. I'm so sorry you're going through this, please feel free to contact me on my blog if you have any questions or would like a friend who has also lost a twin. Hugging you

I wished I'd undressed Baby B and looked at his whole body. I stroked his cheek and kissed his forehead and told him I loved him and I was sorry I wasn't a better mommy to him.

I wish that I had taken more pictures of myself pregnant.

I will say this. I do not regret not seeing or holding Baby A. The doctors talked me out of it. He was gone about a month before B died so he was 18 weeks. I don't say this to hurt you or be insensitive but depending on how long he has been gone, you need to prepare yourself for what he will look like.

I'm so sorry about all of this.

Martha,

That does not hurt me one bit. I've tried to get a more realistic idea of how Will might be, but b/c we don't know when I will deliver, it's hard to say. The grief counselor at the hospital (who is an angel), said that (forgive me if this is too graphic for some) about a month in, the skin becomes very thin and tears easily...if we make it longer, she said the babies seem to be more 'preserved' though often crushed by the weight of their sibling. I need to know these things, and appreciate looking into the reality of what I'm facing without some romantic ideal of what it might be instead.

Eve: Honestly, there is nothing I would add to the already great advice that these women have given to you.

I just wanted you to know that I am in awe of the grace you've displayed in the face of such a tragic ordeal. I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that the same thing happened to my twin brother that happened to Will. I think that's just one of the reasons why your story resonates with me. Truly, I am so grateful that the medical establishment has evolved so much since the time I was born (37 years ago). At that time, the hospital barely acknowledged my brother's existence. They gave my parents no guidance as to how to handle his death. Sadly, my parents don't even know what happened to his body and he was never given a name. My parents have carried a tremendous amount of guilt over this. Part of me thinks they should have been more proactive... but the other part understands that they just did what the doctors and hospital told them to do-- forget about the baby they lost and focus on the baby who survived.

I hope what I've written isn't upsetting for you. I just wanted you to know that it has been healing for me to see the love you have for Will and your desire to honor him. As lonely and scary as the road is that you must travel, it is of some consolation that the medical establishment has a greater understanding of what parents need to help them grieve in the face of baby loss-- especially in situations where one twin dies and the other survives. Small consolation, I know.

scm,

That doesn't hurt me at all to hear the tragic story for your twin brother. I'm so very sad for your parents that they were given such a burden to carry without any support. And sad for you. My dh and I talk, when we're in an optimistic mood, that we always want Abby to know her story and to feel proud of it instead of it being a 'dark little secret', and yet we would never want her to feel she is living in the shadow of her lost twin. I already think of the momentos we are creating and how we will pass those onto her some day.

I've found I've had to be very proactive about the information I've been given and the resources available, as this particular babyloss 'situation' seems to fall right through the cracks of even more patient-friendly, modern medicine.

Thanks for your kind words, they help me so much.

I can't put it better than Maddie above.

'There will probably be things you'll forget or wish you'd thought of but I often remind myself, we did the best we could at the time.' Those words certainly reflect my own experience.

Echoing Margaret, I regret not having a photograph of my twins together or asking I could bring my daughter over to her twin sister whilst she was dying, to touch one another. It simply didn't occur to me. I don't know if it will be a possibility for Abby and Will to have their photographs taken together but it might be something to consider?

Like Mindy, I also regret not asking to take her outside. Just to hold her outside the hospital, in the open air.

You can get some beautiful micro-preemie clothes. I regret that my daughter was not cremated in clothes that I had chosen for her, I would have liked her to have had something of her own, something I had picked out especially for her.

Don't let anyone rush you. I wish that I had held on for longer. But I suppose that I would have felt that I let go too soon even if I was still sitting in the hospital this very day.

Just love him.

I'm sure that Abby will grow up feeling proud of Will. I talk to my surviving twin about her sister and how lovely she was. I hope that she will grow up remembering her fondly but never feeling as though she is any 'less' to us because her twin did not survive.

scm - I'm so sorry for the loss of twin and for your parents. It must have been very painful and especially to have received so little in the way of support from the hospital.

Eve:

I had the luxury of a very kind and understanding nurse who told me to close my eyes when A was delivered. She took him away, examined him and came back and told us that it was probably best that I didn't see him. Because of a lack of fluid in his sack, he wasn't as "preserved" as we had hoped. I don't know if that's an option for you, if there is a midwife who you could speak with about this.

Although I didn't see him and hold him, there are photographs of him that I've left with my aunt who worked at the hospital. I've chosen to remember him as my gentle baby who would hog screen time at the ultrasounds...that's my memory of A.

Big hugs.

Thank you, Martha, for sharing your experience. I will be having a c-section, so I will be shielded from the delivery completely. I plan to ask the doctor's nurses then to help my dh and I make the decision as to what we might do.

Amazingly, my NILMDTS photographer has found a 3-D u/s place to gift me a session. It is possible we won't get any pictures, do to the low fluid levels of Will's sac and his placement...but knowing we might get a glimpse in that format and before he deteriorates any further is so helpful to me.

What a wonderful gift. I do so hope that you can get a good scan of him, Eve. I know that's weighed on your mind.