Yesterday was the 6 month anniversary of Henry's death. I'm pregnant again, 15 weeks, but I don't "feel better" ,if anything I feel worse. I miss him desperately, it's unfathomable that its been 6 months. I dont know when I will get to the point that I will accept that he is dead. I definitely haven't accepted it yet, it's like some strange part of me holds out hope that somehow he will be resurrected and all will be put right again. At this point I dont "love" this new baby yet, I would give it up in a hot minute to have Henry back, that's just the truth.

When did you get to the point that you "accepted"?

That's a layered question. I accepted he was dead even as I held him. I knew it in my soul when we said our final goodbye to him before they moved me to a new room and I ran my finger down his head and cheek and he was cold as ice.

Accepting that he is gone is an ongoing process. I think most days I accept it, though some days are more wistful or sad than others.

Accepting the finality of his gone-ness is the real thing for me. I can't fully accept it because I don't fully understand it. And because I also feel him with me (and my husband says the same), and I'm still trying to incorporate that into our acceptance of the situation.

I don't think it's acceptance I struggle with, I think it's coping with the loss. I accept the loss mentally and physically and even emotionally, but the turmoil after the acceptance is what I have trouble with.

Oops, I also meant to add that I am closing in on six months as well and trying to get pregnant (no luck yet, minus a chemical pregnancy). I think it's a rough time, and I think being pregnant again makes it a lot harder.

Don't be hard on yourself though. It takes a long time to separate and trust in things again. I didn't bong with Gabriel for much of my pregnancy because I was so terrified of losing him (which I did anyway, but . . .). I think to some extent your fears are right in front of you and it's hard to process everything all at once.

Lots of hugs.

Six months is hardly any time, so it is no surprise that you don't feel any acceptance regarding your loss of Henry. I am only 5 weeks out... and I can't even imagine acceptance. In fact, I think I am still in the stunned stage of things.

Don't feel guilty for feeling like you haven't bonded with the baby you are carrying. To be grieving the loss of one child while carrying another has to be one of the most emotionally complex life experiences, which surely is informed by a tremendous amount of fear. How can you fall in love with a baby when you feel the acute loss of another? It may be that you won't feel truly bonded to your new baby until it is in your arms. And, if that is the case, it is totally understandable.

My heart goes out to you. I'm am only 4 weeks out from losing Will, one of my twins...and I can tell you that carrying my other twin, Abby, does not make his loss feel better. I'm terrified to trust that she will be ok. I'm terrified to let myself completely bond with her. I'm terrified that people will forget hiim b/c of Abby. And I'm terrified that I will mess Abby up with all this mixed emotions.

One child does not ever replace another. I will always have an empty place in my heart for Will, and I only hope that it feels more bearable as time passes to have this whole.