It's 4 am, and I swear I have only slept no more than one hour all night. I had, I think, my hardest day of grieving yesterday since Will died. It's so weird, because it started off with a good report on Abby (Will's twin who is 28 weeks tomorrow). I find it nearly impossible to deal with the mixed emotions of loss, sadness, fear, and hope that I'm having right now in my situation.

My dh seems to be doing so much better than I am doing. I guess that a guy thing, huh? I mean, he's wonderful, but it's like he cried it out for a week or two, and now he seems to manage coherent conversations and is so much more 'back to normal' than I have the ability to be. Maybe it's because I'm on this darn bedrest? I don't get to leave my house really...though I'm not sure I really want to leave.

I find myself waiting for the phone to ring to hear from friends. And, if they call, I don't really have the energy to talk to them. And if they don't call, I'm hurt by their absence. I know I should be reaching out to people, but I'm having such a hard time. Big-time self-pity I guess.

I think a big part of my sadness today was that I looked on Etsy for a beautiful matching set of baby blankets for Will and Abby for when I deliver. I want for Will to wrapped in his, and then sent off to cremation that way. But doing this has just broken my heart. I can't believe that I'm surfing the net to look for a baby blanket for my dead son who is still in me.

The anxiety of waiting for my delivery is almost more than I can bear at times. It's like having a bandaid (made of duct tape) directly laid on my heart and then pulled off ever so slowly for the next three months. And of course I feel like such a jerk even saying all of this as I still carry Abby, and I know that all of you on here would give anything for the chance to be carrying a live child.

I'm sorry I'm such a mess. LIke seriously, I wonder if I'm overreacting to all of this? I question my rationality. But I so appreciate you all listening. This is the lonliest thing I have ever had to do, and just to know tha you are out here makes it seems somewhat easier.

You aren't a jerk or overreacting or any of those things. You are being asked to do such an incredibly hard thing. I only carried Micah for 24 hours knowing he was dead before I was induced and it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I can't fathom how painful this wait must be for you. Loving and hoping for Abby doesn't in some way take away your right to grieve Will, and it is so hard to figure out how to grieve a child who is still inside you. I'm so sorry things are so hard, but don't feel like you need to apologize for being a mess - from your posts here, you are showing amazing strength as you care for Abby and miss Will.

I can't imagine how screwed up your emotions must be. The happiness that Abby is doing well and the devastation and grief at the loss of Will are all tied up together. It's not fair that you have to deal with both at once.

In a world of wrongness, your wrongness must be so so hard to bear.

I think I may have mentioned before that if delivery is delayed more than 3 days after discovering a baby has died in the womb, risk for PPD shoots sky-high. You are having to wait so long - for good reason - but it must be so, so difficult for you to carry on.

I'm not surprised you can't sleep. I'm thinking of you.

Eve,

I think about you all the time. I also sometimes think I am overreacting, but I remind myself that how I grieve is the only right way for me to grieve. There are no rules or limits on terrible things like this. I can't imagine the strength it must take for you to carry Will and hope for Abby. I am praying that things get easier for you. I'm not sleeping well these days so you could try emailing if you are lonely in the middle of the night, I'll answer if I'm up. Hang in there - we are all thinking of you.

Ok. You? Are not a jerk. At all.

I cannot imagine how confusing and awful what you are going through is. We all have something in common here, but our stories are also so different, that it makes it hard to know what to say sometimes. I imagine it has to be a form of torture and agony to have to deal with the grief over your son and the concern over your daughter all at the same time. I think you are keeping it together pretty well, all things considered, even if you feel like you are falling apart.

Your husband's reaction is probably a guy thing, but it may also be a rock thing. I know my husband felt like he needed to be strong to help me, so he dealt with his emotions privately, and to a large extent, he still does. We do talk about things, so I know how much he misses Gabe too, but he doesn't show it as much as I do, because early on, he felt like it would be hurting me if he did.

Sorry, hit post too soon.

Over-reacting? I doubt it very much, but I definitely understand how it might feel so, especially with the conflicting feelings of needing to be strong, positive and hopeful for Abby. It's impossible to feel in isolation and the jumble of things you are feeling probably doesn't help much. My own feeling is that you have to embrace the dark sides and if you need to have a full-body cry until you are dehydrated, then, well, do it, because you'll feel better for it than in pushing aside what you feel. There is unfortunately no way around, under or over what you are facing, the only way to get to the other side is go through it.

And that is hard to do. It's hard to understand and often feels like over-reaction. But it isn't. It's necessary.

And it's also ok to feel however you feel, especially with everything you are facing. If you have a moment of peace, that is ok. It doesn't mean you grieve Will less. If you have a moment of panic or sadness, that is ok. It doesn't mean you don't hold hope or love for Abby. Whatever you feel is ok to experience and feel.

Thanks so much for supporting me and helping me not feel quite so crazy.

B, I meant to tell you before that I appreciated your concern with PPD for me for having to carry Will for so long. I also think I will be at great risk as I will mourning him all over again when I deliver him.

Turtle, it is so true that it's hard to grieve a child still inside you. I feel like I understand, maybe just the tiniest bit, what a parent of a missing child would feel. Things feel so...unfinished.

Jen and Eliza, thank you for reminding me there is no right way to grieve. My brain knows that, but I"m so mixed up with all this, that my brain isn't worth too much these days. I DO think my dh is tryingt to be my 'rock'. He's an internalizer, but I've been so proud of him at how often and easly he talks about Will. He did let himself cry (which is something I thought he might not do) when he needed to as well. He just says he doesn't feel the sadness as intensely anymore, to the point of breaking down. But he keeps coming up with the most amazing things to remember Will. He wants to plant a tree and memory garden for Will...and this weekend he said he wants to get a tattoo with Will's name on it. I made him promise to wait until I'm not pregnant so we could go do that together. I think we're lucky, as a couple going through this, to have the experience of IF under our belt. I think it's helped us to lean on each other instead of pulling away.

And maybe it's helped that i"m on complete pelvic rest, so there is not even the slightest issue when it comes sex and intimacy. For that I"m extremely grateful right now.

Anyway, doing a bit better today. I failed my one hour glucose test, so I just go back from my 3 hour one. Hopoing that at least I don't have to deal with THAT issue on top of everything else. Because, seriously, I NEED chocolate like a fish needs water.

Eve - I'll be back later to post a proper reply but on the gest diabetes thing. I had that on top of everything else I was dealing with and it seemed unfair that I couldn't have chocolate!! Especially when I was in hospital for a month and that's what everyone wanted to bring me. Good luck with the 3 hr test.

Hang in there - I think you're doing amazingly well considering what you're going through.

Maddie x

I think in your shoes I would find it impossible to truly start the process of mourning until both the babies were delivered. It must be so, so hard for you.

I keep feeling that I am overreacting. I can relate. But you are definitely not. Like eliza says, the only way out of this is through.

And I'm glad your husband is so open about ways to remember and commemorate Will. That must really help.

Fingers crossed that the three hour test goes well x

Eve - I mentioned your situation to my counsellor yesterday and she'd actually been hunting some stuff up on losing a twin for someone else. She emailed it through to me to pass onto you:

I’ve got that Twins site info for you to pass on to your friend… it’s www.twinloss.org.nz
And the magazine is called Hearts and Wings. They are really helpful and kind. I also found some good books through Amazon.com… here’s quick list-
The Survivor by Lyn Schulz
The Empty Room : understanding Sibling Loss by Elizabeth DeVita-Raeburn
The Lone Twin, A study in bereavement and loss by Joan Woodward
Another site is www.betterworldbooks.com They are a non-profit literacy organization with really cheap world wide postage. I buy most of my books through them, but they don’t have as big a range as Amazon.

I'm not sure if any of this will be helpful for you but just wanted to let you know.

Maddie x

Eve, you are so not a jerk, do not apologize. Losing a child whom you must continue to carry inside of you whilst dealing with the anxiety of hoping and praying that Abby makes it to delivery (which I have every single confidence that she will!!) is a very very intense and heavy thing to bear. You are allowed to grieve hard, and it will come and go and sometimes it will settle in and sometimes it will feel almost bearable. I'm only 6 months out from Henry's death, but speaking from that experience I can say that although nothing will feel the same again, that sense of everything being turned completely upside will begin to subside ever so slowly.

Thinking of you love
M

Eve,
The grief definately comes in waves. So that sucks because in those moments of the deepest despair, it feels as though you can't bear to pull through to the next one. Or that you have made no progress. It is much too overwhelming. Continue on, you are doing so so well. You are phenomenal. Everyday that you make through on bedrest is a huge accomplishment. We are all pulling for you during this conflicted time.
Love,
Diana

"I think I may have mentioned before that if delivery is delayed more than 3 days after discovering a baby has died in the womb, risk for PPD shoots sky-high."

Oh how I wish someone would have told me that. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat 3 days after I last felt him move, which was right at 38 weeks. I tried for a week and a day to get my body to go into labor at home. Then another day and a half in the hospital.