I truly honor and feel for those who are trying again. I was there after I lost Will. For 3 years I was there and I conceived. And it was scary but it was hopeful and while not replacing Will it did feel better. Then I lost Tiger to a uterine rupture so I can't conceive again. I won't be there again.

And so I'm just reaching out to those of you who can't either. Are you adopting? surrogacy? How do you wrap your brain around this? Today I am particularly curious. I'm feeling particularly empty as friend's babies are born and I page through adoption information. Just wondering where your mind and spirit go with this reality.....

We're not there yet. We're still trying. I don't know what it will take to push us in that direction, but I know what is holding us back now. The new doctors think we have a good chance and I have the compulsion to try.

But I'm realistic and we've started to explore our other options. It seems to boil down to adoption and surrogacy. I haven't explored either beyond basics yet, but I lean towards surrogacy over adoption. Not because I need a biological link to the child, but because I feel adoption is a much harder and less guaranteed road than surrogacy. Don't get me wrong, I understand surrogacy has no guarantees either and its own set of concerns, but I think, given the costs involved, it will be easier on us than adoption. I think knowing that we want to have an infant plays a role as well. Maybe it won't forever, but it does right now.

Whatever path you choose, I hope it brings some healing. I know it can't replace and I know there will always be holes left in your heart, but I hope sincerely that you will find some happiness, whatever direction you move in.

I'm sorry for your losses of Will and Tiger.

Hi Sooze,

My situation is different than yours -- we chose not to have more. We can't handle the devastation of losing a third so we tied 'em off and kissed that goodbye. While I labored, before I'd even delivered our little Sullivan, I was signing numerous consents to have my tubes tied while my husband looked on. We know that our life can't handle going through this again. It just can't.

But that doesn't mean that my "want" has left me. I miss my boys that I've lost. I would do anything to be counting down to my induction date next week with a giant belly and swollen ankles instead of nervously waiting for another February 9th due date to pass with no living baby. And this is where the "brain wrap" has escaped. There's no good answer. There's just what is.

I'm so sorry for your horrible, horrible losses. We're in this ugly boat together, friend and I wish you nothing but the best.

Susan,

I'm so sorry for the trauma you have endured with your lost babes. It is so unfair how random motherhood is, and it gets me so upset when I see moms who just don't even appreciate or understand this precious blessing they've been given. I hope that you find the path that works for you.

My situation is different as well, so I hope I'm not offending by posting on this thread. I do have a LC, but had an extremely difficult pregnancy to get him here (nearly lost him at 24 weeks). I have IF, and he was the result of nearly 4 years of treatments. We were encouraged to try again as they felt I had been able to deliver a healthy baby (though early) and able to sustain a pregnancy. We battled IF for almost another 2 years before pursuing IVF as our last-ditch effort toward conceiving. I was ready to move on to adoption, but my hubby wanted to try once more for a bio child (a cost thing). We got 4 viable embryos out of our attempt, and two were transferred back into me, resulting in the twins. We froze two for the future.

I started having complications with my twins almost right away (severe hyperemesis, then a subchorionic hematoma, then early contractions. My peri has advised me that this should be my 'last pregnancy' after losing Will. I am still carrying Abby, and hope she hangs on. It is devastating to me to think of the debt we put ourselves in for these babies that might never be, that we have two babies in waiting that I should not carry, and that my son may never have a silbing (I ache for him to have that). Our plan is to donate our embryos out for adoption at the end of all this, since we couldn't afford a surrogate even if we wanted to try. Past that, not sure if we'll pursue foster parenting, adoption, or just resign our family to three, should Abby not make it.

My situation is a little different too. I can have children, in fact, I get all kinds of pregnant - confirmed pregnant in December, probably pregnant this month as my period was 10 days late. I just don't stay that way. I think I'm up to 8 miscarriages since I lost the boys near 2 years ago. I have a genetic condition that causes my eggs not to have the correct genetic material so they don't usual survive past 8-9 weeks (not why the boys died at 22 weeks though). I'm moving on to something that will get me a baby and I won't pass this issue along. This horror ends with me. We are pursuing embryo donation and are on a 6 month waiting list. I'm hoping that we get another set of twins because I really do want two children and most embryo donation programs will get you one but that's it. They won't provide you with a second if you have a living child - mainly out of fairness. Man, I sound greedy. I'm not. And chances are, I will end with one and be fine with that. I just still grieve for the two I have and lost...It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I was so close. I was so close to babyloss NOT being my story, you know? That's what I struggle with. I was half way there with TWO babies. And now I'm back at square one while the rest of the world is easily pregnant, carefree in the knowledge they will deliver a living baby...

We're in a strange place, technically still deciding but in many ways decided. It's genetic, but considered minor. It could be possible to examine everything, make sure healing of the incision is good (which it probably is, I usually heal well), begin a blood thinner regimen other than daily aspirin, and go for it. There is an excellent hospital and a number of fantastic doctors standing by ready to help us go for it. If we could pay. Surrogacy or anything like that unecessary, in fact one thing is that from all indications I'm probably one of these overly fertile women, pregnant at the drop of a hat. Heck, our first one was on one form of birth control, P was on another (albeit easy to mess up), and Aeryn was as best I can determine probably the first egg dropped as P's breastfeeding slacked off and we just wanted to even get frisky.

Can't adopt, pre-existing conditions sort of rule you out for that, even when fairly minor. Plus the cost. Can't foster, main reason being I'd not be able to give them back or to another house.

So, what do we do? Say no, we'll never afford it, and get actual surgery to make sure there's no further accidents? Say yes, but it will be husband who stays home and must be after I'm done with school? (And that's of course assuming anything ever returns to something approaching normalcy. Right now we do well to get to the point of some kissing, there's that terror of sex still here. I know it's me, I do, but I'm frustrated with myself. Listening to the woman who designed the humane cattle chutes on the radio earlier tonight, I began to wonder if she might come up with some sort of positive reinforcement for me just to return to one of the technical requirements of being married. At least on the upside, there is a 100% effective form of birth control which is totally free.)

We were at the train station this afternoon, and I was discussing some of the historic buildings around, pointed out the cemetery over the hill, and mentioned some of the notable graves there. Then I don't know why I did it, guess the lady was a history buff so I just kept my mouth going, I detailed the grave I go tend to occasionally, sort of as a substitute for the places my daughters don't have. She then told me about a cemetery she'd visited somewhere in the Appalachias, a woman had buried "I think 20 children" under the age of two. Then she pondered why the woman had been a midwife. I without thinking blurted "Oh, I know why. It let her be someone who might have a chance of actually helping keep someone in the world. That's why I'm headed back to school myself." Then I think I sort of blanched and had to excuse myself when I realized what I'd said.

I want to sort of talk to my sister about this stuff too, but I don't know how to ask her about how she feels knowing she probably can't ever have children, and whether it's affecting her choice of dating this fellow who already has a daughter he's trying to get full custody of. In some ways I want to talk to her, but in other ways, I feel "Of course it is, but is it any of your [expletive] business? No."

I don't know that I am dealing with it, more like just ignoring the whole idea as long as I can while knowing that it's not really an option to just ignore things.